ferveur v1.

www.danikarockstheworld.com

2007-08-09T23:33:00.000-04:00

bought my own domain. PLEASE PLEASE change the url in your links. And if i'm not linked with you yet, please DO LINK. I really really need link exchange. I promise to link you back. Thanks.

www.danikarockstheworld.com
www.danikarockstheworld.com
www.danikarockstheworld.com
www.danikarockstheworld.com
www.danikarockstheworld.com
www.danikarockstheworld.com

victoria's scam

2007-08-08T22:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, i was in the mall with my sister. I was checking out stuff in victoria secret while waiting for my sister to pay the things she purchased. Suddenly some lady, with victoria secret forms in her hands, came up to me and asked me if i already have a victoria secret card. I said "no, i'll probably just get it some other time." She insisted that i sign up because according to her, it wasn't gona take long anyway. So fine, I agreed. She took a pen and immediately asked for my social security number, my debit card number, and my credit card number. Wtf? The stupid lady didn't even ask my for my name which is the first question on the form. So ofcourse the irritated and suspicious me responded with a question, "Excuse me, but do you work here?" She said yes, so I asked for an ID. She couldn't show me a damn ID telling me they have none. I looked around and saw sales associates with their uniforms and ids around their necks. That friggin lady wasn't even wearing a uniform! Lucky her, i didn't report her to authorities. I told her i don't have credit card nor debit card so she could leave me alone. Tsk tsk scammers these days. Beware you guys.

Thanks, but I'd rather be called Filipino.

2007-08-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

Are Filipinos Asians or Pacific Islanders? Why make a fuss?

"Inhabitants of the Chinese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Filipino, and Indonesian islands, although technically bordering the Pacific Ocean, do not fall under the definition of "Pacific Islanders" because such islands are not located in any of the three regions of Oceania (Polynesia, Micronesia and Melanesia), and are therefore classified as "Asians" on the U.S. Census. Despite this, a growing number of Filipino-Americans have denied the classification of being "Asian", instead claiming to be "Pacific Islanders", which has provoked dismay among some Pacific Islanders who actually belong to the Oceanic cultures comprising the commonly accepted definition of the term, and has also prompted allegations of cultural denial from other Filipinos, the worldwide majority of whom identify themselves as being Asian (as the Filipino government has stated since its foundation that the Philippines is a part of Asia)." -Wikipedia

So please stop insisting that we are Pacific Islanders. It's really embarrassing. It's not cool, it's shameful. This really shouldn't be a big deal. We don't call Americans Irish or English, we call them Americans (unless they are recent immigrants). So why can't we just call ourselves Filipinos? No more argument whether we're Asians or Pacific Islanders. Filipinos are fiIipinos. I suggest we all just be proud of it.

Peace.

Bakit hindi pa sya? Kasi nga ganito yan..

2007-07-31T02:26:00.000-04:00

Naisip ko lang ang mga karelasyon pala ay parang milk teeth. Sa simulang simula, buo ang ngipin mo, akala mo buo ka na rin. Hanggang sa isa isa na lang mabungi at mawasak ang mga ito. Isang milk tooth na nabungi ay katumbas ng isang relationship na nawala. Pag bata ka pa, masakit talaga. Nasira ang pagkainosente mo at nagkulang ang sarili mo nang unang mawala ang milk tooth mo. Pero sa huli naintidihan mo na kung bakit kailangang mabungi ang mga milk teeth. Kung bakit kailangang dumugo. At kung bakit kailangang may kasama pang sakit. Kailangang mawala ang mga milk teeth para tumubo ang mas matatag na mga ngipin. Para mabuo yung mas matibay, mas malakas, at mas maganda.

In a nutshell: Kailangan nating mawasak para mabuo tayo.

So it's okay to broken. it's okay to get hurt. It's okay to bleed. Because in the end all those pain will lead to fulfillment. We will only be complete once we know completely how it feels to be incomplete. --> but this statement is open to modifications. Why? Cos i really don't know anything. I still have a long long way to go. Hindi pa bungi langat ng milk teeth ko :p

quality not quantity

2007-07-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Found a couple of interesting unpublished entries. I shall publish it soon.

Yesterday's sermon in the church is also pretty interesting: Don't spend too much time with your friends. It's better to spend less but quality time with them than lotsa times doing superficial activities.

That hit me. I don't even remember the last time i sat down with someone and had a really good, smooth and genuine conversation. It's been a really long time! Quality time is one heck of a big eluding thing. A hard one to fit in to our busy lives in this crazy technological world filled with thousands of activities to do. While it's fun to explore and try out different activities, i can't help missing the relaxing times when i can just sit down with a good friend and have a real talk. A wonderful one about feelings, views, dreams, and life. Unfortunately those quality times aren't the days you can plan. Good talks are spontaneously made. Maybe that's why you only get it in so rare occassions.

Another interesting thing. An interesting game for everyone:

Can you escape the Crimson room?

Check it out. You won't regret it, I promise.

it's all the media's fault !

2007-07-22T22:48:00.001-04:00

ookaayy so i gained six awful pounds. i love chocolates. i love ice cream. no i'm not depressed. i just love to eat. i can't help the craving. i'm a person who indulge in food. does that make me less of a frigging person??!

no i don't think so.

"even if you have a pretty face, but if your body is like that, wala ren." - my mom

i'm really really gona try to lose all those pounds i gained for the past few weeks or months. but i'm not doing this for anybody. i'm not doing it for the pressure from everybody. screw that. i'm doing it for myself. solely for my own gratification. because i'm not content seeing my face all swollen and bloated now. because i still want to wear the kind of clothes i used to wear.

but you know what?

i may be six pounds heavier than before but i'm still beautiful and fabulous.

call it conceit. or consider it as confidence.

it's all the media's fault man. i shouldn't be bothered by this. you shouldn't be bothered when you gained a few pounds. but with everyone around saying that you don't look good enough with a certain weight, how the hell are you gonna be at peace and at ease? ideally you just shrugg it off, but realistically you can't help looking at yourself the way other people look at you. your looking-glass self. the frigging media still gets you.

whoever set the ideal that thin is beautiful is a bitch. why do people have to live with that standard? why can't people make their own standards of beauty? what if i started just yelling in the streets promoting the slogan that fat is beautiful, would one person change his/her views? hahaha. people are just gona think i'm crazy. but what if decades from now, media starts flipping the standards of a beautiful body. thin will be off. fat will be pretty.

impossible? but just WHAT IF?

*********

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
-Christina Aguilera

friday night bum

2007-07-20T20:50:00.001-04:00

there's prolly nothing more boring in the summer than staying home on a friday night. ekk. it's saaaaaadddd.

i would've been celebrating right now if i had gone to my two job interviews this afternoon and got the jobs. but since nobody would give me a ride [thanks a bunch to my uberly supportive family], i had to sadly let the opportunity pass me by. *sniffs*

but just like the cliche line goes: look at the bright side! i may not have the money to go mad shopping, but i have enough time and dough to spend quality time with friends and family right before i hit college. isn't that great? haha. fine. i'll take it.

i'm really just bored right now. i hate saying i'm bored. i hate it when people say they're bored. but i can't be guilty enough. i wannaaa gooo ooooouuutt so badly! but i can't.

i'm so random today. blah. i NEED to type some quality entries. oh well. there's always a next time.

`beaching tomorrow in Southampton!

getting lost?

2007-07-18T22:41:00.000-04:00

Haven't really contemplated the things i've done in a while. A lot of things have happened. There's too much to reflect on. I don't know where to start. Getting lost? Yeah, at one point, i've asked myself "AM I LOSING MYSELF?"

I mean i've seriously changed a lot. Been doing things i'd never thought i could do. Been wanting to do things i used to despise and sworn i'd never ever do. But tada, here i am, getting a total makeover of perspective. A new set of views. It scares me at some degree. But it's giving me a crazy magnitude of fun. At this point in my life, i really am happy. Perhaps because i'm so delighted hitting the all-time high of my life. No dramas. No emotional pains. No school shits. Just happiness, thrills, and fun.

I guess it has started when i've recovered from my "dark days". I've been like a brand new person with my freedom, my scars, and my stronger self. And with that freedom, i just feel the urge to let loose. Yeh, that's it. I JUST realized the answer. NO, i'm not losing myself. I'm still here. It's still me. This is just me trying to discover and explore more about who i am. More about what i can do. More about this world. More about life.

•••••••••

''Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.'' - Mark Twain

secret to life

2007-07-14T02:19:00.000-04:00

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

— Albert Camus

realization

2007-07-09T14:11:00.001-04:00

a philosopher once said that a real smart person only knows that HE KNOWS NOTHING.

there's so much more to explore. so much more to experience. so much more to learn. so much more to realize. so much more to understand. and so much more to freaking discover about myself.

i have yet to do those things.

it was a mistake thinking that i know how certain things work.

not again

2007-06-29T02:49:00.000-04:00

I knew that it was all too good to be true. Now it's gonna be three in the morning and i can't fucking sleep. Thinking and upsetting myself over something that SHOULDN'T BE worth this much. What happened to the tough exterior I tried to show off for some time?

I guess it's the end. Or maybe not. Let's see what happens.

`Ah shiet. I need alcohol.

party rock. party like a madafawking rockstar.

2007-06-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just realized that it didn't really matter to me that it poured like crazy on my graduation. My name was called. Got my picture taken. That's all that matters.

I'm officially out of high school. Officially a college chick. And i still don't have a job. Hopefully i'll be lucky looking for one tomorrow. Summer's been awesome so far. I really wana go somewhere. Like "far" somewhere. Or "california" somewhere. Somewhere fun to go to before i hit the books (or beer?) in college. Been consuming too much liquor these past few weeks. Wahhhhhh. Transition to college? Hahaha

I'm feeling really crazy and lucky. I think i have just drunk the perfect potion for uncomplicating my life. It's pretty cool :)

the big night

2007-06-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

"Prom is all about taking pictures and posting it in facebook.

... or maybe NOT!"

Absolutely not. The night was great. Dancing was incredible. Yeh, it was more of the dancing actually. And then the crazy pictures. Just got a little pissed off and disappointed because certain plans didn't push through. But whatever. I had fuuuuuun dancing my ass off.

My head hurts like crazzzyyyy. Went to Dorney Park yesterday. I still smell like chlorine!!

On a crazier note, graduation is in 11 days! What the??!

week madness

2007-05-29T19:42:00.001-04:00

last week's been the best week ever of my senior year.

senior fest + six flags + senior cut day/shopping + cape may + wildwood + atlantic city + shopping again = coolness + funness + awesomeness + fabulous weeeeekkkkkkk!

a bunch of pictures are on my pc. gona post them later when i get the time -- that is, when i don't feel lazy anymore. hehe.

so yeah, what's up with me aside from my super mega ultra tanned skin? i'm broke. but i don't think that's new, is it? it's funny, a lot of people go to the beach to get tanned. years ago in the philippines, i used to use whitening lotions to get lighter. light-skinned people go bathing to look good. while me and my filipina skin, if i go tanning, will only become a lot less attractive ( well that is, according to my mom and my sister). but whatever. don't really care now if i get darker as long as i'm having fun out the sun. and i do like my tanned skin, thank you.

gota lose all those pounds i gained in the last few weeks or else my my prom dress will burst off of me. but then again i'm not in the mood to lose weight. eekk. i'm real horrible with dieting. i think i need an anorexic friend to motivate me. hahah

and oh yeah, i think i'm gonna be abandoning my myspace for the meantime. so just facebook me or im me if you wana talk. adios to those effing myspace spams. seriously, those myspace banes have got to die before i totally blow my stack.

ok suckers, that's all for now.

no more reasons to be a couch potato

2007-05-21T22:48:00.000-04:00

Missed the series finale of Gilmore Girls.
LOST is done.
Grey's Anatomy is over.
24 just ended.
There`s nothing left for me to watch!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! :(

Oh well. Project Runway is coming soon, so smilleeeee :)

Let's talk about Grey's Anatomy, shall we? It really really shocked me when Christina exclaimed "he's gone. i'm free.." to Meredith, and then broke down and cried. I don't know how I'm gonna view it. I mean did she say yes to his proposal because she was truly, deeply, happily inloved with him, or did she just stick by him because she felt obliged, committed and responsible for the relationship? Sorry guys, i really can't get that line out of my head. Seriously. Haha.

Makes me wonder. Some people stay in a relationship because of commitment.. because of a vow, not necessarily because it gives them butterflies in their stomach like it used to. They're still there because they're being "nice" trying to do the right thing, trying to make an effort to make it work, doing their part to save the relationship.. There may still be love, sure, but a love that's not burning in passion like it used to. And it's just sad if ever that's the case. But of course, that's just life.

-----

Addison: You do not get unlimited chances to have the things you want. And this I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could change your life.

>>>I love Addison! The best character in Grey :)

-----

"Cristina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I'm a heart man. Take 'em apart, put 'em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you... me." - Preston Burke

>>>I would assume every girl loved that line!

ipis

2007-05-14T20:01:00.000-04:00

mom: In the Philippines, we call them cockroaches, but i think here in the United States, they only call them roaches.
dad: Ohhh.. So here.. a roach has no cock.

My parents are hillariiouuuuuussss. We were dying for a quarter of an hour straight!

You bet it was a good Mother's Day barbecue we had ;]

almost there

2007-05-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

Life's so damn good. I loooooooovveee loove it :]

Took the AP exam on English Literature this morning. It was not as bad as i expected. Hardly decipherable poems though. I feel like i've burned up all my neurons for that nightmarish crap. But the good thing is.. it's out of my way - and that's what's upp :) Natanggalan din ako ng isang malaking tinik sa lalamunan.

Gotta say this again for the millionth time.. i've never been this lazy in my entire frigging life! and i'm actually loving the fact that i hardly care about studying (only for now, of course). I don't feel pleased but i definitely don't feel guilty. hahaha. Haven't read a novel in months. I can't study anymore. I'm burned out as fcuk. Burned out but optimistic - Yeh, there's quite a big difference. And ofcourse, uberly excited for college! Hehe

42 days til graduation!

Silence can say more than a thousand words.

2007-04-30T18:15:00.000-04:00

death and rebirth

2007-04-27T20:52:00.001-04:00

Fading rhythm
Missing lyrics
Broken lines
Volume down
Silence
Long Silence..

And then a sweet melody of hope
New piece to be written
New lines to be sung
New music to be played
A better one
A much better one

waste it or seize it

2007-04-19T22:36:00.000-04:00

Today in school, I heard a student say "What's in Virginia should stay in Virginia." But of course I don't agree. My feelings for the Virginia Tech tragedy is probably the same as my feelings about 9/11. I can't talk about the pain of it simply because I don't feel the pain of it. I don't think it makes me a stone-hearted person though. I do feel sympathy for the loss of many families, but I don't think I feel any anger for the gunman. I don't know. From a point of a view of someone who's not suffering any loss, I can say that instead of anger to the gunman, most of what I really feel is pity, a great deal of pity. Having heard from the news what kind of person he was, I just can't imagine what kind of life he lived. A life of bitterness and hate, a life wasted on anger on everyone else. It was a total waste of life. I just can't imagine how his family is taking all this.

You know what really almost broke my heart. A while ago, I heard the news about the death of Julia Campbell, a Peace Corps volunteer in the Philippines who was believed to be raped and then killed. Tutulong na nga lang, pinatay pa. A person whose only intention was to help the needy got killed helplessly. I was on the brink of tearing while I read the comments in her blog. I may not know her personally, but based on the testimonials of other people about her, it's not hard to figure out that she was really someone admirable. Someone who truly touched the lives of many. And her legacy just inspired me.

So it's all just a matter of choice i guess. It's either you waste your life or seize it as you make a difference in the world. It's no question I want the latter.

blue sky baby!

2007-04-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

Been a month since I last updated. Senioritis is taking over my life. It's not that bad after all. Been too serious with my studies for the last three years, it's time to lay back and just relax. After all, I got my college acceptances already even though i still have no freaking idea where the hell i'm going. I have two weeks to decide! Uh-oh. So you see, my parents don't want me to dorm. And every argument with them about it drives me up the wall. I seriously seriously want to dorm. And no, it's not because I want to be away from my family as far as possible (like other kids) - no, it's not that at all. This is all about independence and experience. I'm gonna be in college a few months from now. And I WANT to know so badly how it feels like to be there. TO REALLY BE THERE.

But changing the topic, the puzzle has been solved. The blue sky has unfolded. The chain has been cut off. I can see the entire frigging picture now FINALLY. And hell yeah it's an accomplishment. A brand new hope is around the corner. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Hahaha. Once, somebody way older than I am told me i was still too young so there's no need to get serious in a relationship. That got me pissed off. Who the hell was he to tell me that? But now, more than a year have passed, that advice is finally making sense. It's okay to be serious.. but there's really no need to take things TOO seriously. Things come and go. People come and go. You can't hold on to everything you have. And you definitely can't control everything that's gonna happen. I'm eighteen and young and you betcha'r ass I wanna have fun. So nothing serious for now. Serious makes me cringe (at least for now). Just pure fun baby! Hehehe.

2 more months 'til graduation - Can you believe it???

And oh those aren't my fingers, just in case you're curious.

------------------------------------------

The sun is sure to shine

For you and me for everyone

So don’t be sad it’s just the start

Of a new beginning in your life

Blue Sky -Hale

toward the better days..

2007-03-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

Errrhh.. I need to stop procrastinating one of these days. Maybe tomorrow. Or monday. Or tuesday. Or never. Haha. I don't wana call it 'slacking off'. Please let's not call it that. I'm just 'taking a break' from overconcentration. Hehe. I know college's gonna be a lot harder. But we'll see about that. I'm pretty optimistic when it comes to college. Dunno why. But I am! :]

So kamusta na ba ako??

Better. Happy. Relieved. And most importantly.. FREE.

I could say that this week has been a turning point. Or would it be better if i say 'a point of no return'? But whatever you wanna call it, i'm glad that almost everything's been cleared up. Finally. One big smack of reality check plus one last cry and I AM DONE. Hell yeah im done.

So while I was procrastinating this afternoon, I came up with 3 levels of apology. Based on experience and observation, there are stages when it comes to apologizing for a serious mistake.

LEVEL 1 (Common sense apology)
I'm sorry.. sorry because common sense, I shouldn't have done that to you.

LEVEL 2 (Guilty apology)
I'm sorry.. sorry because I was wrong. I hurt you. I shouldn't have done it. I really do feel guilty.

LEVEL 3 (Sincere and understanding apology)
I'm sorry.. from the bottom of my heart, i am truly sorry. finally I understand how you felt. I finally understand what i did.. how much I hurt you. i finally feel your pain.

It took me about 4 years to finish all three. Karma had to bitterly bitchslap me in the face to finally finish off all stages. But you know what? It's not that bad at all. Saying sorry over and over again in level one doesn't really make that much of an impact. What's the point of saying sorry if you don't understand what you really did? if you don't understand that damage you have caused to the other person? It doesn't make a difference if the other person doesn't feel your apology.

Random-ness. Baking is soooo effing FUN!!!!! I should've started baking a long long time ago. I think this could be my new addiction. And I shall make it my. Hahahaha. And oh i'm dyeing my hair again next week. Can't wait! Hopefully the color will finally come up!

walang kabuluhan

2007-03-08T23:04:00.001-05:00

Would you do this?
1. Join the Military or the Mob?
+no freaking way

2. Turn a close friend in if they
committed a serious offense ex. murder?
+ d ko alam

3. Make one porno if it meant never
having to work again?
+ no

4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your
biggest crush if there was no
possibility that they would EVER find
out?
+ NOOOO.

What if...
1. In your relationship you find out
you are going to have a baby but one
of you doesn't want it. Who has the
right to choose?
+ SYEMPRE AKO. HAHAHA

2. Your partner had to work overseas
for a year, would you consider playing
around?
+ ano ba yan? syempre hindi!

3. You find out before having sex for
the first time with your partner that
they have a highly contagious STD,
would you still have sex with them?
+ sympre hindi. npastupid question naman nito.

4. You are in a serious accident in
the middle of nowhere and your only
chance of survival is to cut off your
own arm, would you do it?
+ maybe

5. You had to kill a member of your
family if it meant you would save
thousands of lives, would you?
+ d ko alam. pwede rin. pero d rin cguro. ewan

Yes or No
1. Have you had cyber-sex?
+ no

3. Would you tell your partner (who
you really love) that they are bad in
bed?
+ no

What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?
+ im pro-choice, enough said.

2. The night of your best-friend's
wedding their fiance comes on to you,
should you tell your best-friend?
+ sympre. that asshole does not deserve my friend.

4. Your partner wants to go to
a "swingers" club, would you go to
keep your partner happy?
+ nope, ano sya siniswerte?

5. You are about to tell your spouse
that you want a divorce but they just
found out that a close family member
is dying, do you still tell them?
+hindi muna

Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever fake
illness to get attention?
+ no

2. You are the first to arrive at the
scene of an accident but it turns out
that the person hurt is your worst
enemy, do you help or walk away?
+ sympre help parin. besides, i don't have enemies naman. lol

-----------

1. What ended your last relationship?
* no comment

2. What were you doing at midnight last
night?
* soundtrip

3. What were you doing this morning at
8am?
* tulog

4. First thought after waking up this
morning?
* tinatamad ako pumasok

5. Are you any good at math?
* not really

6. Prom night?
* what about it?

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
* nada

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to
pay
for school?
* not yet

9. Do you know the words to the song on
your myspace profile?
* oo naman

10. Last thing received in the mail?
* new myspace message alert

11. How many different beverages have
you drank today?
* 3

12. Do you ever leave messages on
people's answering machines?
* minsan

13. Ever been in love?
* have i?

14. Do you draw your name in the sand
when you go to the beach?
* yah

15. What's the most painful dental
procedure you've had?
* can't remember

17. Do you have any plans for tonight?
* magligpit

18. Do you like the ocean?
* sure

19. Have you ever received one of those
big tins of 3 different popcorn?
* ano bang klaseng tanong to? hahahah

22. Something you are excited about?
* spring break

23. What is your favorite flavor of
JELLO?
* i don't like jello

24. Are any of your great grandparents
alive?
* yup. all four of them.

25. Describe your keys:
* mukang susi

26. Where do you keep your change?
* in my purse

27. When was the last time you spoke in
front of a large group?
* 3 days ago?

28. What kind of winter coat do you
have?
* madame.

29. What was the weather like on your
graduation?
* d pa ko gumagraduate. lol

30. Do you sleep with the door to your
room open or closed?
* definitely closed

-----

1. kailangan ko _____.
...magreply sa mga email ng friends ko.

2. bakit _______.
...hidni pa rin umiikot ang mundo?

WHAT comes to to your mind 1st wen u
see these words...

1. ulap
sky?

2. sapatos
boots

3. butas
asshole? lol

4. basketball
hay nako! hahahha

5. santo
martyr

This or That?

1. mangiwan O iniwan?
MANG IWAN!!!!!

2. let them go O fight for them?
fight

3. heart over mind O mind over heart?
use your mind but follow your heart

4. to love O be loved?
both

5. kelangan mo siya kaya mahal mo siya
pwede rin. lol

Last time?

1. last person you talked to?
- nicole

2. last food you ate?
- polvoron

3. last time you cried in a movie?
- don't remember

4. last time you made someone smile?
- kelan ba?

5. last time you saw your LOVED?
- love u mean? wala. hater ako.

6. last song you sang?
- where'd you go, i miss you so.

7. last food you ate using your hands?
- polvoron!

8. last time you bought someting?
- kahapon sa caf

9. last time you wore something pink?
- don't remember

10. last time you answered a survey?
- tagal na.

post-valentinesssssss

2007-02-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

We talked about LOVE in my psych class today. And according to "recent studies", passionate love does not last. I don't know if I agree or not. I haven't really thought about it and i'm not ready to think about it any deeper. Besides that's not really the interesting part of the lecture.

What got me hooked is when my teacher said that our attraction to a person is increased when that person who didn't like us/ignored us/didn't want anything to do with us began liking us. Two words: Fucking true. It happened to me twice! Hahahaha. I'm not getting into any details though. Not today. Hehehe

"I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." - Groucho Marx

It's just like picking a college. You don't want to be in a crappy college where all the rejects go. You choose a school that's pretty selective in their choice. The lower the acceptance rate, the better. The higher the selectivity, the better. And that's how a significant other should be chosen. At least in my standards. I don't want to be with a guy who's been with millions of girls. Definitely not with a guy who would hook up with any chicks available. I mean, c'mon.. that's just disgusting. Again, the higher the selectivity, the better. I guess "feeling special" and "being special" are just necessities i'm seriously searching for in a relationship. How can a girl feel special if her guy has liked, dated, and "loved" hundreds of other girls? No it just doesn't work that way. I don't wanna be "one of the many girls", i wanna be "the one," or at least feel like it.

some inspiring quotes from albom's tuesdays with morrie

2007-02-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

* The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.

* Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

* Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.. You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well. Detach.

* So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

* Do the kind of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with that comes back.

* ..love is how you stay alive even after you're gone.

* Death ends a life, not a relationship.

ana wannabe (for the time being)

2007-01-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

I SERIOUSLY NEED TO TAKE MY DIETING SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY.

needing..

2007-01-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hmm.. odd. Really different from the classic elegant Chanel. Which is why.. j'adore it very much!!! But splurging out 1,080 bucks for a purse.. nah, i'm more sane than that. Just gonna wait for that millionaire who'll fall head over heels for me and buy me all those signature handbags every girl loves. Right? Hihihi.

Pysche.

I'm really itching to shop!!!!!!!!!

But you know what..?

All i really need right now is a new inspiration

An inspiration that will work for me like a magical cup of hot and aromatic starbucks espresso.

But ofcourse, a chanel bag won't hurt. Hahaha.

hello 2007, au revoir 2006.

2007-01-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

2006 was all about..

+ me becoming an official coffee drinker
+ having my first REAL job and earning my first REAL salary
+ experiencing the best week in RYLA
+ moving to a new school and a new town
+ preparing my ass off for the torturous SAT and finally getting rid of it
+ gaining new friends
+ rediscovering my asianovela inclination
+ losing important people in my life
+ mourning the death of a good friend
+ first breakup
+ heartaches
+ experiencing the worst pains
+ learning valuable lessons in life
+ fresh perspective
+ maturity? hehhe

For 2007, the plan is to..

+ Get a new sn
+ Read more classics, especially russian lit
+ Do some community service
+ Lose weight? hahaha -my forever doomed new year's resolution
+ Less drama
+ Get a job in a clothing store or Starbucks/Dunkins, or a restaurant
[to be continued..]

For this lifetime, I must...

+ Travel, travel travel! See the world
+ Master french (at least in reading, writing and listening). Read Saint-Exupery's Little Prince in french.
+ Do a substantial amount of community service
+ Build my own home-library
+ Live life to the fullest! :)
[i'll add more in a new entry.]

love fool

2006-12-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

"im crying not because i lost him
it's because of the love.....
that thing once burning is now lost and gone..
it's unbelievable"

-My Lovely Sam Soon

Been obsessively hooked on korean dramas lately. Props to Youtube and Crunchyroll. Hehehe.
I wanna get my own DVD copy of Full House and My Girl! Hay, this asianovela mania is the major reason why my production report goes like this:

98 percent done with Psych research paper
2 percent done with English term paper
40 percent with studying complicated chapters in AP Bio
5 percent with college essays

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm dead. See how productive i am these xmas break? Very very UNproductive.

----------

love and hate.

Love and hate, completely opposites, usually go hand-in-hand. I dont' wanna blab about this again. But 2006 for me is a time of love and time of hate. a time of pain and a time learning. What can I do? It's a contradiction. An oxymoron. A repitition made obvious by my i'm-in-pain , i'm-okay-now, i'm-in-pain-again , i'm-really-okay-now cycle of entries. It's quite annoying. But that's the truth.

I told myself that all this crap would be washed away as this year ends. As much as I want to start fresh in 2007, I can't really promise. I don't know if i can cut off this vicious and pathetic cycle. So all of us are just gonna have to live with it. I admit that there's still an apparent bitterness in me. I don't want to hate, but I can't let go of the hate. I don't know why but it used to be the only strengthening thing I can hold on to. A defense mechanism of some sort. Sometimes to appease the pain, you energize the hate. Just so you can feel less of the pain. Just so you can feel slightly better. Call it selfishness. But if it works for me, then that's how i'm gonna do it.

love and its complications.

Aside from managing personal heartaches, I've also spent significant time listening to my friends and other people's love catastrophes. And it's amazing how much you can learn about love just by listening to other people's problemos. It's funny how people can do the craziest things for love. How much they would continue to invest pain just so they can get a return of happiness. And ofcourse, how much stupid and blind they can be.

Ultimate conclusion from listening?

PEOPLE TEND TO MAKE THINGS SO 'EFFING COMPLICATED.

One plus one equals two. No need to divide it, subtract it and multiply it. Because 1 + 1 equals 2. Simple equation. Finito. But people tend to solve it in the most convoluted way!!! Don't get me wrong, I know that love is not that simple. But sometimes in relationships, there are very simple formulas available. And yet people resort to the most complicated process. If you like someone, you like them. If you don't, you don't.

I've realized that love's like a star. It will expand and shine, but later it'll become less bright. Eventually it will collapse and explode. Some stars may survive billion of years like the sun. But how do you know what kind of star do you have? Maybe your star is not meant to live that long. Eventually it will die. So make sure you make the best of the spark while it's still there. Because there's nothing else you can do once doomsday knocks.

In the end, there will always be a scar. The burning love will eventually diminish into cold ashes of memories. Before I thought there was nothing wrong with that. But when you heal, the pain is not the only thing that blurs away. The memories becomes blurred as well. It's probably one of the saddest part that hinders people to totally let go and be completely healed. Because when they do, everything might fade away. The love, the pain, and eventually the vivid memories. Sometimes I have to stop and think to realize that even the good times did in fact happen. So get as many good memories as you can. Because in the long run, the worst thing that can happen is not losing love.. it's remembering nothing of it at all.

joyeux noel!

2006-12-24T18:40:00.000-05:00

I know this one is way overdue, but better late than never :)

HAPPY EIGHTEEN TO ME. Finally legal!

EIGHTEEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE.
Danika's philosophy.

1. To appreaciate great things means to appreciate simple things.
2. Service above self - that's everyone's responsibility!
3. You can never truly understand something until you've experienced it yourself.
4. The worst regrets in life are not those that you did - but those that you didn't do.
5. Never ever rely on promises.
6. It's often difficult to accept changes. It's usually scary and depressing in the beginning. But those same changes are usually better in the long run. Cos life DOES get better!
7. If you can't learn to love what you hate, learn to ignore it.
8. You never get full realizations. It's always bit by bit. You'll prolly spend your whole life filling in all the dents.
9. Love always accompanies pain. But true love is always worth the pain.
10. When making decisions, listen to your mind but follow your heart.
11. There's so much MORE to live for.
12. You just gotta let time do the healing.
13. No matter how much you run away, when it's the person you love who tries to communicate with you, you'll always give in.
14. Love gives you the best joys and the worst pains. Enough said.
15. When the tears you shed becomes greater than the joy you laugh, it's probably time to reconsider things. When the pain starts to outweigh the happiness, it's time to let go.
16. The Southborder says it: there's a rainbow always after the rain.
17. Life is definitely empty without hope, love and faith.
18. A death of a loved one is not something you can talk about again and again. Death is a painful reminder that life is truly important. Mourn and move on. And make sure you try to live each day to the fullest. Carpe diem!

------

Been uber duber busy with school. Ten million essays. Ten million chapters to read. Ten million papers to type and print. Ten million crap. Hence, no substantial entries for the past weeks. But i'll make it up this week. Prroomiiisseee.

My christmas wish? Less pain and more joy for everyone!

Merry Christmas to all! Don't forget what this day is really about. Mwahs :)

happy 18

2006-11-23T23:52:00.001-05:00

I know this one is way overdue, but better late than never :)

HAPPY EIGHTEEN TO ME. Finally legal!

EIGHTEEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE.
Danika's philosophy.

1. To appreaciate great things means to appreciate the simple things.
2. Service above self - that's everyone's responsibility!
3. You can never truly understand something until you've experienced it yourself.
4. The worst regrets in life are not those that you did - but those that you didn't do.
5. Never ever rely on promises.
6. It's often difficult to accept changes. It's usually scary and depressing in the beginning. But those same changes are usually better in the long run. Cos life DOES get better!
7. If you can't learn to love what you hate, at least learn to ignore it.
8. You never get full realizations. It's always bit by bit. You'll prolly spend your whole life filling in all the dents.
9. Pain always accompanies love. But true love is always worth the pain.
10. When making decisions, listen your mind but follow your heart.
11. There's so much MORE to live for.
12. You just gotta let time do the healing.
13. No matter how much you run away, when it's the person you love who starts to communicate with you, you will always give in.
14. Hope makes you view the future in a bright way, but it is the same damn hope that restrains you to start anew.
15. When the tears you shed becomes greater than the joy you laugh, it's probably time to reconsider things. When the pain starts to outweigh the happiness, it's time to let go.
16. The Southborder says it: there's a rainbow always after the rain.
17. A death of a loved one is not something you can talk about again and again. It's a painful reminder how important life truly is. Mourn and move on.
18. Life is empty without hope, love and faith.

die hope die

2006-11-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

I CAN'T have this hope for the nth time. It's for my own good. I can't make another pie in the sky. So i'm spoiling it now before I get tempted to take another bite. I really really need to give up on this hope. This futile pathetic hope. Or whatever the hell it is. Please Danika, just give up. Tama na ang mga pag iilusyon. It may make you happy but it's only an illusion. It's nothing but a damn illusion.

----------

I try to tell myself wake up fool;
this fairy tale's got to end.

-Balisong, Rivermaya

grief

2006-11-12T16:25:00.000-05:00

Death is not some thing you can talk about for a long time. It's not like romantically getting your heart broken and talking about it tirelessly. When a loved one dies, you spend a whole day crying, reminiscing the memories, letting out in words every emotions you feel.. And then you wake up the next day, cry some more, but feel no need to talk about it again. It's not that you don't care. It's not that you want to forget. It's not that it doesn't affect you at all. It's just that the thought of it hurts so much that you don't want to talk about it anymore. Cos accepting something that can never be undone is the most hopeless pain you could ever have. And aside from praying for his/her soul, there is really nothing, NOTHING you can do.

if this were a dream, wake me up.. please.

2006-11-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

Millions of people die every day, and yet the world still goes on. But if it were us who lost a loved one, the world wouldn't seem to go on again. The world stops. It crashes apart together with our hearts that seem to shatter into pieces.

Somebody explain to me what God's reason is. Cos i really don't understand why good people die so young. .... Maybe if I prayed a little harder last night, maybe if I prayed just a little longer, maybe God would've listened to me. This feels like a really bad dream. And what's worst about it is that it's not a dream at all.

Ang sakit. Never have I thought that I would come to this point. Death seemed so ordinary. Too ordinary that it seemed unreal.. fictional. Too ordinary that I never realized it could come this close to my world.. Too painfully close. I just want a real glimpse of her again. One last hug. One last chance to tell her how much she means to me. I never even had the chance to tell her what a wonderful person she is. I just want to have one last chance to tell her how important she is to me and how much I appreciate everything she had done . If I could only have 5 people in my life, she would definitely be one of the top. A true friend. One of my sources of strength, laughter, and happiness.

Help me pray for her soul.

RIP Camille Joy P.
March 23, 1988 - November 7, 2006

all emotions are suffering

2006-10-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

In buddhism, it's called dukka.
In simple english: All emotions are pain.

If that was not the most ridiculous and heartcrushing generality i've ever heard, i don't know what is. But now i think i'm gonna have to reconsider my thoughts on it. Why? Cos emotion's a bitch. That's why.

There are emotions we want to feel but we can't feel. And then there are those pesky emotions we're dying to burn off more than the extra adipose in our skin. But they're unstoppable, uncontrollable.. unbelievably powerful. And so, we become slave of our emotions. We laugh when we don't want to laugh. We cry even if we don't want to cry. We hate even if we don't want to hate. And we love even if we don't want to love.

I hate how inconsistent my emotions are. I'm annoyed by the fact that I can't control them. Agitated by the fact that I can't filter them. And aggravated by the fact that I can never react triumphantly because of them!!! Sigh sigh sigh.

It's unbelievable how much power certain people hold over us :(

blogging > studying

2006-10-15T21:31:00.000-04:00

It's sunday night. I should be studying for the long tormenting exams awaiting, but what the heck.. i'm blogging! My brain is dead dry. Overheated. Shut down. Can't process any more of those hydrophobic, hydrogen bond, adenosine triphosphate crap. But after this painful studying for my dreaded AP Bio exam, I learned something really significant - the ultimate survival secret for AP Bio students: Read in ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I realized that the reason why I never understood and get (no matter how focus I tried to be) what the hell my teacher was talking about in his lectures, was because i never read and browsed the book beforehand. No wonder I was LOST all those days!

But enough of that. I did a little tweaking in my layout. The original one didn't work in other browsers. And I really hate it when a webpage is screwed up template-wise. But now it's all fixed. Or is it?

I woke up this morning realizing that I dreamt of Dr Mcdreamy. What the heck?? Gosh. Adik sa grey's anatomy. It was a good pleasurable dream, I must say. Yep. "PLEASURABLE" is the word. Bwahahahahhaa.

prelude to that senior disease

2006-10-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

Tada! New layout everyone. Finally. Green has become my favorite color. Considering that i used to loathe it years ago, isn't it just interesting that i love love LOVE the color green now. Hihihi. I even bought a new ipod, guess what color it is?

verde!!!!

But enough trivialities pleaaase. I'm not really as okay and gleaming as the new layout mood suggests (at least for now) . My psych teacher said that senioritis doesn't kick in until april or may, but i guess i'm gonna have to disagree. I don't know. It's not even November yet and I feel so burned out already. Damn SATs. I can't frigging wait to get over it. Plus those college apps and deadlines. Plus the excruciating research paper. Plus the frustrating AP Bio. I am errrrrr... dying.

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time; "
Macbeth, William Shakespeare - Act V Scene V

I really don't wanna sound like a pathetic whiner. But at this choky point in my life, I can't help wondering whether my choices and and current priorities are balanced and right. I can't help thinking.. maybe I shouldn't take my classes seriously. Maybe I need to be a little more laid-back. Maybe since it's my senior year, there's nothing wrong with slacking off and bumming around hakuna matata. But ofcourse this has got to be an utter joke. Because at this point, I CANNOT afford to have that kind of mentality. I can't can't CAN'T.

One thing is true though: I miss my friends. So badly.

This busy sched's prolly gonna last til december. By christmas I just hope I'm done. Hope that this sacrificial social hiatus pays off big time. And by big time, I mean BIG time.

Just prepare yourself for more frustration-filled entries. Haha

lesson from a bird

2006-09-26T23:12:00.000-04:00

Due to lack of substantial entries, I 'm just gonna post this story taken from Coelho's 11 minutes. It's one of my faves ( a must-read!) . It's one of the saddest, most striking and poignant stories i (or at least the sentimental side of me) have ever come across. Ergo, im posting it:

******

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to eveyone who saw him. One day, a woman saw the bird and fell in love with him. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony.

But then she thought: He might want to visit far off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone. She decided to set a trap so the next time the bird appears, he will never leave again. The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion. However a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The women felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flynig contentedly amongst the clouds. She then realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. "Why have you come" she asked Death. "So that you can fly once more with him across the sky," Death replied. "If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again."

*****

on christianity and salvation

2006-09-17T22:09:00.000-04:00

Since salvation was swayed in our original Sunday School topic today, I brought up the question: Why do you believe in Jesus Christ? Why do you believe in God? Is it because you want eternal life and you're scared to go to hell? Is that the only reason?????

And my Sunday School teacher answered "Yes, that's the only reason. If believing in Jesus Christ doesn't guarantee eternal life, then I won't even believe in him."

I was kind of disappointed. Not just with her but with this whole Christianity religion whatever. Aside from hearing the Pope being an ass with the Muslims, it makes think that "Christians" could be the real antagonists in the world. This so-called "Christians" had corrupted the real essence of Christianity too much that all we have left now is a rain of hypocrisy and loathe and bigotry.

Seriously.

Why can't we believe in God because there is God who created everything? Why can't we believe and thank God because we strongly refute the idea that we came from monkeys? Why can't we praise and worship God because of the blessings and little miracles He did in our lives? Why can't we go to Church and read the bible because it is the Truth containing good teachings we can apply every day? Why can't we have faith, thank God, and ask for forgiveness because we are willing to? Why does it have to be "believe in God or burn in hell???????????"

The kind of mentality is just depressing. Depressing that Christianity is based on this foundation. People ask for forgiveness for fear of going to hell. Maybe I'm just really confused and I need someone to clarify such things to me. I really hate it when people impose their religion on others. Extremely despise it when "Christians" say "oh they're not like us, they're going to hell." Talk about glaring hypocrisy. How un-christian is that?? And i've always been taught that nobody has the right to judge anyone's salvation except God. So why the hell do I hear these things all the time from people I shouldn't be hearing it from? I'm sick of it.

God loves us unconditionally, shouldn't that be enough for us to love him the same way? And if we do love Christ and have faith in him, without the sole motive of attaining eternal life, then maybe we've become the best Christians we could ever be - a true accomplishment that will guarantee us salvation.

first day funk

2006-09-06T21:57:00.000-04:00

School started today, obviously.

Current Schedule:

Period 1. Psychology Honors
Period 2. Physical Education
Period 3. AP English
Period 4. History Through Media/Sociology
Period 5. Fundamentals of Calculus
Period 6. AP Biology
Period 7. AP Biology Lab (M,T)
Lunch (W,TH,F)
Period 8. French 2

For some reason, there's a lot of people feeling sorry for me for leaving Ferris in my senior year. But what many don't really know is that I DO WANT THIS CHANGE. Not only because I couldn't stand the whole "i'm-a-gangster-so-i'm-cool" bullcrap in Ferris anymore, i'm too fed up dealing with the same shit each year (e.g. back stabbers, warfreaks, two-faced people, good friends getting hurt, list of drama goes on) but I want to leave Ferris ALSO because i just wanna get the better ambiance and quality education i believe i deserve. Hihihi. Besides I'm really curious how a suburban school is like.

On a random note, there was this dream I had 2 nights in a row. In my dream, I was intensely thirsty. "INTENSELY" But I was lucky enough to drink a bottle of cold water once in a while. But then no matter how much water i drink, i still get thirsty not too long after. I thought it was a pretty interesting dream so I made some research. Below is the result:

"To dream of being thirsty, shows that you are aspiring to things beyond your present reach; but if your thirst is quenched with pleasing drinks, you will obtain your wishes."

So what aspiration is that exactly???

ferveur finale 1

2006-09-02T21:44:00.000-04:00

This would probably be my last post within this version. I'm planning to change the layout and the tenor of my entries. Take note: "Planning". Hehe. I have a lot of things in my head but for some reason, I'm having a hard time articulating them out. So please bear with me for now. I'll be random.

Since school is starting in less than a week, i'll probably blog less than i used to. Besides, i'm a senior now. Gonna be hella busy with school, college apps and every thing else related. I must say though, I really want a part-time job. I mean once you've had a job and earn/spend your own money, you really kind of want to keep the money flowing in.

-----

While browsing through myspace, I saw a picture of a couple that has caught my full attention. The picture kind of erhh.. touched me in a very optimistic and heartfelt way. I don't know. I mean ofcourse I've seen hundreds of similar photos which include torrid kissing, intense hugging, the usual smiling for the sake of smiling, and other details that shout out "we're so inlove with each other".. but none of them really captured the "truly madly sincerely inlove" I want to call. And this is what makes this particular photo different from every other else. It's like for the first time in my life, I've seen a candid photo of two people passionately inlove. It was a rather simple photo with minimal affectionate gestures. Innocence. Simple Smiles. Hardly noticeable holding hands. Sweeettt! It was a perfect shot. And I have to admit, this simple picture simply made me believe again in the magic of love. Ok, i'm mushy, shut up.

I really really like what Ala Paredes wrote in one of her entries:

"When you learn about love, you learn about hurt. And when you're hurting, you form a scab of hate, just to stop the bleeding. And so, you begin to cut a person out of your life, kill all feelings you have for him. You train yourself to consider him insignificant. Sometimes you do it so well that you actually fool yourself into thinking that you've succeeded. But in you're direst moments, you know you're lying to yourself. Because when you've truly loved a person for who he is, how can you one day say that you don't love him anymore? Hate can only come when you're hurting really, really, really bad."

Perfectly said. I know i know, i'm still blogging about the same crap 3 months ago. But expect some changes. I mean I have new phase ahead of me. A "new chapter" sabi nga ni Jhun.

Speaking of Jhun, he was SERIOUSLY lecturing me last night about relationships. He was persistent in advising me not to commit in a romantic relationship until I graduate. According to him, relationships/guys are nothing but hindrance/pain the ass in the lives of women. Of course I could not help agreeing. Hihi. And so a bet has been made. We're not going to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we graduate. Although I really want to keep it, I am honestly not sure if I can. And plus knowing Jhun, you can't really blame me for doubting his promise. Hahaha. But I guess we'll see just about that.

-----

Ferveur means Passion in french. RYLA introduced me to the true meaning of it. But even though this ferveur version is coming to an end, it doesn't mean i won't carry its essence onto the next phase. Besides, the word is just too intense. :)

laughing out loud

2006-08-27T14:18:00.000-04:00

I learned something the other night. Thank god somebody accidentally spilled it out. I'm not gonna lie; I was mad. I can't believe that this person can say something publicly with no consideration whatsover on other else's feelings (pain, specifically). So yeah, you bet i was fucking mad. It's as if all my dents of pain are now filled with nothing but anger and disgust. My respect, only for the sake of respect, vanished in a snap. And for the first time in this god-awful stage, I feel a tinge of regret being associated with someone in particular.

But two days have passed, and I just really feel like lauging my ass off. Thank you for reminding me how much different we are from each other; how much higher my level is from yours. I just really wish you'd be more considerate the next time. More sensitive. Less sleazy.

Gosh this case is so closed. I'm a real believer of karma, let's just leave it to that. So yeah, who's the bitch now? :)

closing time

2006-08-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

It's funny when we can't wait for something to end, but when it finally does, we'll do anything to hold on for a little longer. This day has been a very emotional one. Last day at work. Last day at Merrill. There's absolutely more to this internship than waking up early in the morning, working 8 hours a day, getting paid a fair amount of money, getting busy once in a while, getting bored most of the time, and then leaving with a little experience and maturity.

I feel sooo lucky and blessed. It's not just because of the good embellishment this internship will bring to my college applications and resumes. The experience itself is just awesome. Mostly for the friendship I have established with my co-interns. Errgg. I already miss them. Coffeebreaks. Lunch time. Stroll by the Hudson river. Bathroom sessions. Constant emails. Girl talks. Real laughs. The whole package really did make a difference. Professionalism with a blend of childish maturity - ha, it was exactly what I wanted. It's been a while since I 've cried. But the bittersweet tears today are just so worth it. It's always painful to say goodbye to something you've really grown to love, but once it becomes implanted in your heart - the good memories and happiness, goodbye will never be a real goodbye.

I still can't believe that all of it actually happened. Eight weeks. Real friendship. Real talks. Heartfelt revelations. Honesty, respect and trust. It was an amazing connection I've shared with you guys.

To Frances, Faiza, and Ivy, i love you girls to death! :)

err.. i feel mushy

2006-08-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

44 THINGS A GIRL WOULD DIE FOR (found this at candy teentalk)

1. Touch her waist.
2. Talk to her.
3. Share secrets.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her places.
10. Let her be with you when you're with your friends.
11. Smile with her.
12. Dont say can i kiss you just do it.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say they love her more than you do, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.
16. Always hug her and say you love her when you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around her waist.
19. Tell her she is beautiful, not sexy.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
21. Kiss her on the lips.
22. Don't ask her to buy you stuff. You buy her stuff.
23. Tell her what feels good.
24. Make her feel loved.
25. Buy her stuff. Even small things count.
26. Don't lie to her.
27. Don't cheat on her.
28. Take her anywhere she wants.
29. Message her in the morning and tell her to have a good day at school/work and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even though she doesn't need you, be there so she'll know that she can always count on you.
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone, hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the tip of her nose, it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her.
34. While at the movies, put your arm around her. She will then automatically put her head on yours houlder. Then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. When she complains that her neck/shoulder hurts, massage it for her.
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart. Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other, grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.

Bolds hold the chock-full of truths. So much for my weaknesses. Haha. Pucha, bigla tuloy akong kinilig.

weekend in boston

2006-08-21T20:00:00.000-04:00

The title says it: A weekend in boston ( with my family, ofcourse) . Summer's gonna be over in a couple of weeks, and I just need to get out of Jersey at least once this season. I must say though, ridiculous squabbles did abound during the entire trip [what we're going to do with the dog (since we can't bring her to restaurants/hotels/etc), which restaurants to go to, which hot spots to visit] It was a disaster. Sorta. Aside from wasting a lot of hours driving around/getting lost, we were all driving each other up the wall, throwing out caustic insults, comments, and mockeries with each other's faces. I got pissed off for the most part. But for what this summer getaway is worth, the whole Boston trip was hmm.. not bad. I mean new experienes are always exciting! Just gotta have to ignore the tail of shit attach to it. =)

My observations:

"I hate New York, I hate New York" These people hate New York with a passion. Mostly for the ever Red Sox - Yankees feud. They actually have a commercial in their local FM station wherein they have a lil hymn saying "I hate New York, I hate New York" Haha. I found that hilarious. Who wouldn't?

Boston is sort of like Philly/Chicago/Newark/NYC all together. It's an urban area with a classic touch - the kind of city I would consider relocating. It's not as vulgar as New York. Less busy. Cleaner. Less night life. And believe it or not, I did not see a single bum during my entire stay. haha. Thumbs up for Boston!

a weird peek and a weirder explosion

2006-08-16T20:42:00.000-04:00

trip at the mercantile exchange

So this morning, we, the interns, had a trip at the New York Mercantile Exchange in downtown Manhattan. The experience was no question EXCITING, WEIRD, and ummm.. HEAVENLY. haha. It was so cool cos they let us go down to the trading floor (right photo) which was INSANE. Suffice it to say, I was inches away from hot millionares behaving like wild animals. hahaha. I told you it was exciting. Getting down to business, there are two unbelievable/weird things I discovered about NYMEX:

1. NYMEX is one of the few, or maybe the only place in the world, where littering paper is just umm.. part of how the place works. So if you have any paper in your hands, just throw it out on the floor. And mind you, throwing paper here requires skills. Good basketball or shooting skills are important. If you fail to shoot a paper in this huge circle with a diameter of about 2.5 meters, then you are forced to go to a class - a shooting class. Huh?

2. NYMEX is where the hottest guys in New York or probably the whole East Coast works! It's 'orgasmically' surreal that wherever you look, there's a cute guy ready to take your breath away. Gawwwdd. Those mesmerizing eyes. *dreams*

a pound off my chest

I'm not really the type of person who wears her heart on the sleeve, but just a few days ago, I totally disclosed my deepest secret , the one I would never tell any one else, to a couple of girls I only had the chance to hang out with this summer. It's kind of weird to unhesitatingly spill it out; I mean knowing that I'm the type of person who hardly trust anyone. But since we had this serious girl talk in which opinions, advices, comfort are needed, and since we all experienced and still experiencing the same dilemma, it just felt so right to let it out. And it definitely felt good to get a load off my chest. Some people think they understand what I feel, but then they really don't. That's why it felt amazingly good to talk to someone I can fully relate with. Someone who FEELS what I FEEL.

liberation

2006-08-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

If I never left the Philippines, would I still be the kind of person I am right now?

I've been questioning my stand on morality for the past couple of days. Let's just say, unlike in the past, I can now willingly succumb to my id. Forget the society's reaction. Forget the "this-is-how-a-filipina-lady-should-behave" mindset. Forget the superego. Forget the former principles. Just totally give in to the innermost desire. Give in to what I really want to do.

Call it impulse. Call it teenage recklesness. Or maybe just blame it to the new culture I am exposed to. Blame me for not adhering to the conservative code of Maria Clara. The things I was told as wrong turned out normal all along (at least that's what I believe now). The problem with us nowadays is that we rigidly submit to the society's ethical tenets without questioning, "why is this wrong, why is that right, why the hell should i follow these principles?" And I just don't think it is right to enslave ourselves to what the society dictates. A moral foundation must exist but we SHOULD be the ones in control of developing our own standards.

The term liberation will always have a negative connotation (sexual association, as some of you may be thinking). But in general, liberation isn't a bad thing. It's not something we should be scared of. A little liberation wouldn't hurt. In fact, it's just of those things many people direly need. My values still live in me and I will never let the essence of Filipino culture dissolve out of my veins. But for the meaning of liberation's sake, I must assert that I feel no guilt, regret nor shame for my actions ignorant/hypocritical/narrow-minded people may deem reproachable. I love the kind of person I am today. I love my perspective of the world.

fate worse than death

2006-08-10T22:30:00.000-04:00

It's very disheartening to come to a point where we can't even carry toothpaste, hair gels and lotions onboard a plane. The idea of it is just so absurd, but the fact that it is necessary for our "safety" makes the whole thing so depressing.

Along with the hot, blistering news about the terrorist plot in the UK, there had been a bomb scare this afternoon at my work. The block's vicinity was fenced in with roaming security officials here and there. It turned out there was a suspicious unattended bag along the light rail station (located right in front of our building). I have to admit, though, it was kind of cool being a bystander witnessing firsthand terrorism-could-be news.

But back to the lasting reaction: it's disheartening! I could've been the one who left that bag and put the whole Exchange Place into a tailspin. If this terrorism doesn't stop, then it shall only get worse. Imagine how strict and more absurd the "safety precautions" 2 to 5 years from now. Can you imagine what life would be like?

Every time I ride the path train and walk along the halls of Newark Penn Station, I get this paranoia that the whole place is going to explode. I just tone down this trepidation by praying and eventually listening to my ipod. I mean what else can i do? I can go on and on about my thoughts regarding this matter and still come up with no insightful ideas to resolve this worldwide dilemma. I can't stop those mad men from bombing and wreaking havoc around the globe. The UK authorities may have busted a plane explosion plot, but who knows if they, or anyone for that matter, would be successful in cracking all the terrorist plans. So I guess I was right.. there's really nothing we could do except pray and leave it all to God's hands. After all, it's really Him who decides.

if only i could have my 20/20 vision back

2006-08-08T19:20:00.000-04:00

I am petrified.

I think my eyesight is already 50 times worse than it was last month. The farthest I can reach without glasses is approximately 15 inches. It's not even two rulers combined! And no i'm not exaggerating. It scares the living daylights out of me. If only I wasn't the biggest idiot when it comes to proper care of contact lenses, maybe, just maybe, my vision wouldn't be as horrible as it is today. There should be an idiot's guide book for poor myopics like me. But how in the world could I expect myself to read such book if I couldn't even pay attention to simple, basic instructions (e.g. rinse and change the solution at least once a day) Nice Danika. Nice. You're lucky if you're not yet blind by time you reach your 20s.

Whose fault is it now?

The box's!! With all the new innovations today, there should be a talking CL solution bottle that will tell me the do's and don'ts. Instead of the stupid cover instructions that I ignore 98 percent of the time, contact lense companies should create talking lenses that will remind me/curse me out saying "Danika, you benighted moron, wtf are you doing, do you really want to get blind? This is what you should do.." - something like that would really help. But ofcourse this is just the silly me blaming anything or anyone I could blame except myself. It's really my fault, I know. But maybe it's a little of the computer's fault as well. And um.. a little of the tv. And a little of my grandmas's genes (she has glaucoma). And a little bit of everything. Or maybe.. it's not my fault at all. Hahaha

Ok, ok, seriously speaking.. whosever fault it is, it doesn't matter, cos it's only me who suffers the outcome. So who's laughing now? Defnitely not me, because I'm miserable here, shit-scared, hopeless. When I was a kid, I kind of wanted to wear glasses (i thought they were kind of cool), 10 years later, i'm completely dependent on them. And it's not cool at all! I'm so sick of wearing glasses and contacts. But sad to say, i guess I'm stuck with them forever. The least I can do now is provide the best TLC for my poor, underappeciated eyes.

And this just leads me to the conclusion that eyes are really important more than the level we think they are. We could only really appreaciate/realize the worth of what we have until it's gone. Never ever wish of having a bad vision (or a bad health) just for the sake of experiencing what it's like to have one. Obviously, it's just not worth it.

searching for a personal meaning

2006-08-02T20:04:00.000-04:00

"You said there isn't any purpose -- there's no such thing as fate. But you saved my life, brother, so that I could save yours."

I remember that line again from the season finale of Lost. It has no personal manifestation on me ( none that I could think of ), but it kind of pierced through my heart and my head. It left an impact - an impact I have yet to find out.

books + movies

2006-08-02T19:27:00.000-04:00

I finally got the chance to watch Memoirs of a Geisha last Saturday. It was okay. They didn't put enough emphasis on the story's essentials (i.e. Chiyo's unique eyes, Mother's repulsive face, Satsu's cheap and degrading job) But since it's a movie, I understand that they did not capture the real essence of the story. The reason why I find the story so damn special is mainly on Arthur Golden's impressive, smooth and profound writing style. That man is THE MAN of figures of speech. He's probably the best writer i've ever known when it comes to metaphors and similes. It's quite maddening that the movie didn't give him that much credit.

I have to say this once, the people-who-watched-but-never-read-the-book-yet-swear-they-hate-it kind of annoy me. This is the reason why sometimes I prefer the good arts I discover to not be released in the mainstream. People destroy them. Arrgh. If you're talking to someone who LOVES, really loves something you don't like, just let him/her know that you don't like it and then shut up. No need to stress all the nasty and loathsome details of your dislike (especially if you don't even know half of what you're talking about).

But anyway..

Another one of my favorites..
The all-time entertaning chick-lit
The great Gossip Girl Series..

is now a movie too!

I made a little research about this rumored movie. It's true that it's gonna be released this year, except that Lindsay Lohan is not gonna be in it. Pheew. What a relief! I'm glad that Olivia Wilde is going to star as Blair. I think she's perfect for the role, but.. Hilarie Burton as Serena van der Woodsem - that i'm gonna have to find shocking and unbelievable! really unbelievable.. i mean.. ARE THEY FREAKING US?? I don't know. Maybe i'm just so used to watching her as Peyton in One Tree Hill, so hearing her play the character of a stunningly hot, classy chick is just alarming. It's so difficult to imagine. I really don't expect anything exceptional from this movie, but I have to admit.. i'm really excited to see it!

Books will always leave a different, striking impact.
And I must add..
98.9 % of the time, they are truly BETTER than the movie versions.

---

I don't read Harry Potter books, but i find this news quite interesting:

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Two of America's top authors, John Irving and Stephen King, made a plea to J.K. Rowling on Tuesday not to kill the fictional boy wizard Harry Potter in the final book of the series, but Rowling made no promises........"

Harry's gonna die??????

hell's oozing over

2006-08-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

Hell's been way closer than I could imagine. Go outside and see for yourself.

Is it the company? Or just the abominable economy? This afternoon, I checked the status of my next paycheck online. Guess how much they're taking off for the taxes: 20 effing percent. Are they insane? I'm only a 17-year old high school intern for christ's sake! I'm not a CEO, and yet they're taking away more than a hundred bucks in my original, already meager salary. Great. Now my pending coach bag has to wait again for a few more months, or maybe ever years. Or maybe i'll just die without ever buying that bag. All because of this stupid tax.

Going macro, all I hear in the news today is the unconquerable tyrant Fidel Castro. As the saying goes, 'ang masamang damo, mahirap mamatay.' It's true in Castro's case. This man has lived, plotted against, reigned, plotted against a million more times, lived, domineered, and lived. And now after many decades of lame schemes and failed assasination attempts, could this year be the year?

I really wonder what goes through his mind most of the time. I SERIOUSLY wonder. Was he ever happy? Having all the power and fear of people, with no real love and no real respect, how could any man live such a tragedy?

DR code

2006-07-29T23:16:00.000-04:00

DR code (dee ar kowd)
n.

1. abbreviation for Danika and Rose code
2. invented on July 29, 2006 by Danika and Rose
3. unique list of useful/wacky abbreviations
4. product of boredom and insanity
5. good alternatives for overused abbs.

Rose and I have been chatting on YM about these shortcut codes used in instant messengers/texts. We just figured out what AMF means. Lol. So Saj, if ever you could read this ( and i know that you do read my blog ), you should know that I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA what your favorite abb. means until today. hahah

Rose and I decided to make our own abbreviations. Why? Cos we're cool like that. Hehe.

AAS: Amused And Speechless
LPT: Lecheng Pag ibig 'To
TNT: Tawa Ng Tawa (alternative for the overused LOL and Haha)
OLSTS: Okay Lang Still The Same (good for answering the qestions "musta na/what's up?"
BAWM: Bored Ako Walang Magawa (good response for the usual question "whatcha doing?")
NNK: Nababaliw Na 'Ko
NFC: No Fucking Clue

and ofcourse, my favorite, our favorite..

LPT and NNK combined: LPTNNK - Lecheng Pag ibig To Nababaliw Na Ko!

Be the judge. We were bored obviously. Or maybe we're just crazy. After all, these new-made codes, as stated above, are products of insanity and boredom.

New innovation for the IM world.
I'm promoting our creations.
So please DO use them.
Don't worry, we won't charge you.
They're absolutely free. TNT. :)

product of boredom

2006-07-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

[I wrote/type this entry this afternoon at work when I had nothing to do. It did make some sense, so i decided it's worth the post.]

There are absolutely no thoughts in my head right now except pure, abysmal boredom. So I'm just going to write and write, and hopefully I make sense of myself. I've been staring at this blank page for more than a minute, and still I have no idea what to write about. I can't stay in this sedentary job for good. I'd go crazy. I don't know if I'd ever be content in whatever job I may have in the future. Maybe I won't have a stable job/career when I grow up, but truth be told, that doesn't seem to bother me at all. It scares me more to get stuck in a decent, easy, steady, and less-hassled field when I know that there's so much more to do and discover. Right now I want to work in a Dunkin donut chain or be a waiter in a fancier place, just to feel what it's like to be out there. Just to be able to have an addition in my list of significant experiences. Most importantly, so before I die, I could tell this world that I have seized every thing I could seize and have lived a life to the fullest. I want to do a lot of new things and i dont want to stop.

Once there was quote that I read in thinkexist.com that says, "The best way to waste your life is be the watcher, not the doer." I feel that i wasted most of the years of my existence in the world. I finally figured out the answer to my question in the past. It feels like there's a bulb over my head now enthusiastically shedding light to every thing I've been confused about. And for the first time in my life, I feel that every thing is finally making sense. The "answer" I just said is a little divergent to what I was trying to say sentences ago, but I believe it's relevant and an important thing for me to proclaim. Some people crash into us so we can feel ALIVE. But sometimes these people must step out of our worlds, so we can finally begin to LIVE.

I remember this speaker in the RYLA convention. By the way, I still have my red-string unity bracelet from RYLA. I have no intention of taking it off. It has become an essential part of who I am I guess; it's like a sweet and tough badge that yells out "I still have the flame of RYLA in me! And I will keep it passionately burning for the rest of my life." Well back to that speaker I was saying, he's an ordinary-looking guy with extraordinary stories to tell.

His best line?

"If you're the type of person who just watches tv every single day, if you're a couch potato like I used to be, STOP NOW. You're wasting your life. Go out there. Do something. Find your passion."

Basically, in my semi-humble terms, what he really meant was `GET A LIFE.

His speech intensely struck me to the heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear. And now finally, thanks to him, I can sense worth/purpose in my existence. There's a really bold line between living and being alive. You could be alive but not living, just existing basically, going with the flow of everyday currents - and years later, you die, and the world is still the same. How tragic. Anyway, it's already 4:10, almost time to leave. I need to end this now. It looks portentously dark outside. Hope it doesn't rain.

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives." - William Wallace, Braveheart

breathe in/breathe out

2006-07-27T18:41:00.000-04:00

there's so much emotions i can't put into words
so much feelings i can't express
i badly, desperately want to get them out
perhaps one day it'll just explode out of my soul
the question is..
how?

permanent flaws

2006-07-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

Can we ever correct our flaws?

It's an accepted fact that nobody's perfect. It's been adviced a million times that one should love himself the way God has created him. But how could one untarnishedly love himself and be content when the imperfections he has are dragging him down to the dishonoring and belittling pit of average losers?

There are certain flaws that must be concealed. Especially when one's working in professional environment where i currently go. Once one shows people who he really is, how un-tough he is, and how semi-enthusiastic he is, he's doing nothing but digging his own grave, preparing for a career/future suicide. But one cannot really put a make up on and conceal his weak points every single day. Eventually he'll get tired of concealing and pretending just to impress the people he should impress.

I guess my utimate flaw is really being incapable of correcting those blemishes. I hate them. I hate the fact that I still have something exceptional in me that I could offer but I still keep projecting something mediocre. I hate how I want people to understand and get to know me deeper and yet i don't know how to let them. I hate how I do want to be enthusiastic about this matter but it's just not me to feel that way.

It's just tiring and sad that I must make an extra effort all the time just to make a good impression. It's like I'd be damned if I acted as myself. It's quite depressing that I'm being punished for simply being real.

But ofcourse I have got to digress.

I finally bought the video ipod today. FINALLY.

Jen: you don't need an ipod, it's not a necessity.
Danika: importante sya kailangan ko sya
Jen: pano mo naging kailangan? luho lang yan
Danika: it's music, importante ang music
Jen: hindi importante ang music, kaya kong mabuhay ng walang music

[silence]

Danika (on her head screaming): i'd go crazy without music

Buying an ipod is not about "being in." It's all about music, music, music. One of the most beautiful and lasting things in life. Music. I was never really obsessed with music until i started to listen to eheads and maya religiously. They were the reason behind my new-found devotion. I fell inlove with music. Until now i still am.

irrationally possessive

2006-07-26T00:29:00.000-04:00

They say when you give, you shouldn't expect anything in return. But in the real world, it's simply hard not to expect when you're already used to the regular give-and-take's. Having said that, I myself always want the same amount of investments back to me. It bothers me when feelings and efforts aren't balanced, proportional, and reciprocated the way I believe they should be. Every time I sense something like that betiding, I feel quite betrayed, disregarded, unappreciated.. and i just want to get mad and stop giving for a while, just so the other party would realize how much it's losing. Just so the other party would realize that i deserve to be valued.

But what really bothers me, I guess, is the fact that I am bothered by all of this. It bothers me that I am angry, affected, and even upset. I shouldn't be. I don't have the right to be.

body talk

2006-07-24T00:02:00.000-04:00

I have to stop eating like a hungry beast every single day ( or should i say every single hour? ) . Seriously. Ice creams. Chocolates. Chips. Soda. Enough. Enough. Enough. I'm petrified to weigh cos I've been seriously pigging out for quite a while now. I really wish I could be a faithful vegetarian even for at least ten days. That would help a lot. I also wish I could be ana-, but only for a short time. But ofcourse, the realistic me knows that I wouldn't last a damn month.

Anyways, I know I already made an assertion that everything is a blessing. I still believe that everything is, except for one: ACNE. I mean, really, what the hell could be the hidden blessing behind these disgusting pus-filled spots sprouting out of my face? It didn't bother me that much when they were sprouting out of my back, it bothered me a little when they were on my forehead, but now, these persistent dots are attacking my cheeks! Any place on my body except my cheeks. So exactly what in the world could be the freaking purpose of these zits? If you have answer for that, good for you. Me, i'm too nettled to even attempt to look at it on the positive perspective. Besides I highly doubt there's anything positive about this matter. They are nothing but pure aggravation and degradation.

flyers make me fly

2006-07-23T15:42:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly, distributing flyers has become one of the most lackluster and at the same time most gratifying experience i've ever had. Last wednesday, I, along with my fellow interns, volunteered to help out in the charity project that our company sponsors. I accepted the task of giving out flyers with the openness to possible rejection from people. As anticipated, I did get some brush offs, hand recoils and mega neglection. I must admit, it hurt me a bit.

In the PAST ( gotta emphasize that), i was one of the many annoyed prospects of any distributors of flyers. No matter how obvious they are when handing me these papers, i uninterruptedly walk past them without any kind of acknowledgement to their existence. I mean who pays attention to such people? But again, this is a PAST notion.

Now, if someone would ever hand me flyers I do not want to take, i think i'm already humane enough to say "no, thank you". Those words aren't really that hard to utter anyway. And trust me, those words could make a difference. Heck, it made a difference to me.

But despite the rejection I got from random strangers, my mood, in conclusion, was fulfilled. It feels so rewarding to just help out and give a lending hand for a good cause. And ofcourse, it always feels good to do something new. :)

I can't wait for my next volunteer work!

Chalkfest, Exchange Place, July 19, 2006

blog antilogy

2006-07-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

this blog has been a big contradiction.

and i don't like it. it's about time that i correct and straighten the confusing swirls of all the entries i wrote.

a year ago, i left xanga for blogspot. it was not only because i find the latter's service more enhanced and convenient; i left xanga because i came to a point where i felt a constriction in my blogging freedom. and if there was something i did not want to happen, it was to become restrained to write a brutally wholehearted entry. i came to a point where i felt a muzzle on my head suppressing me to write what comes from my soul (part is due to unwelcomed people accessing my site). well i couldn't bear that feeling. the sense of heartfelt blogging eventually died off.

it's been a year since i moved here. i'm kind of stable now. there has been a lot of momentous changes. i don't think there's still any thing ( or any one for that matter ) that can restrain me from writing what i want to write. this blog is gonna be big waste if i hog it all to myself. and it's quite a hypocrisy actually considering the changes, realizations, lessons i write down into my entries. besides i just realized how incredibly blessed i really am. and what's the point of having blessings if you can't share them with others?

so yeh, this is it guys.
i think i'm finally ready.

ferveurista's going public.

abysmal blessings

2006-07-22T12:40:00.000-04:00

everything is a blessing.
and i highly suggest that every one starts believing.

we always think of blessings as the "good things" that make us smile, laugh and happy. we, most of the time, never see any benefits from hardships and other kinds of pain. but c'mon, ever heard of blessings in disguise? think about it, if there were no rain, sunshine wouldn't be as beautiful as it usually is. i myself is lucky that i can see the world in that beautiful angle. not many people see the rainbow after the rain. sometimes, even when the storm is already over, people refuse to believe it. people still waste their time wallowing in more depression, hate and angst, until new thunders fire in. and then they totally miss to see the real beauty and purpose of the storm that once occured.

hassles have purpose. no matter how unbearable and frustrating the pain can get, we shouldn't fret. cos God has a plan. and His plan is always the best plan. we don't need to understand the reasons right away. we just need to have faith and believe that every thing does happen for a reason. and beneath those reasons are hidden layers of blessings. there's so much more to life than suffering, hate, drama, and hardships.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

there's so much to be thankful for and a whole lot more to live for. and what's so nice about it is that we do have a lifetime to figure each of them out. life doesn't get boring at all.

customer rant

2006-07-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

so this is my entry since 2 hours ago. lol

i feel quite better now. ever since this afternoon, i really wanted to type this entry so badly:

so there's this lady who's been a bitch to me for two consecutive fridays. i don't want to use the b word, but trust me, it suits her perfectly well. so this lady.. she works in the cafe where my co-workers and i usually spend our lunch time. she has this coarse manner of talking that i tried to ignore ever since last week. but she has gotten on my last nerve already.

first off, i have to tell you, i'm seriously broke. my everyday expenses is between 9 to 10 dollars. i only get $40 from my parents a week. so do the math, by friday, my wallet is just awfully pathetic. last friday i had to borrow money from my friend to eat lunch. she gave me three dollars and i thought it was enough to pay the $2.90 sandwich i wanted. when i was in the cashier, i got shocked cos it came out approximately $3.10.

me: i thought i was only 2.90 ( pointing at the price tag )
her: ( in a very offensive and condescending tone ) well duh, ofcourse there's taxes. you have to pay taxes you know.

i felt like an idiot. she really succeeded in making me feel like a total imbecile. but ofcourse i knew it was plus-taxes; i just really didn't know that the rate of the tax was a staggering 7.50 percent. i mean gooodness that's a lot!

and today, i've just had it with her. i was so insulted and was driven up the wall by her filthy mouth i want to tie shut so badly. i mean who the hell asks "how much money do you have?" i couldn't really believe she asked me that. i caught myself speechless and shocked. and then she dropped it again, more boldy this time, "i said how much money do you have now?"

who the ef does that?? a concerned co-worker behind kindly asked me, "danika, what's wrong, are you short of money?" i told him that i was good. and then this lady threw me this condescending look AGAIN. she finally punched in the amount of money. i paid her and walked away.

geees man, some people are so horrible nowadays. she really insulted me big time. but i'm not gonna let hatred and anger beset me now. especially if she's gonna be the source. she's not worth the pain in my head. so no, i refuse to prolong the issue. i'm ending it with this entry. i just really wish she'd realize how awful she's coming off to other people. it's pitiful when people aren't aware of the bad intrinsic manners/attitude they have in themselves. it's really pitiful.

boiling anger

2006-07-21T20:49:00.000-04:00

[warning: imprecations ahead]

i'm so fucking pissed off. somebody in this house opened my mail and saw my paycheck before i even see it myself. shit. i want to throw plates and knives to whoever did that, i swear. i usually carry a long string of patience with me, but when my privacy becomes the target of offense, it's a completely different story - i uncontrollably freak out and lose my mind.

you really have no idea how mad at i am right now. if it weren't my family who did that, if it were only some friend, i swear i could end the friendship right here and now. you might be thinking i'm overreacting for some stupid little mail. trust me, it's not really the idea that someone-knows-the-content-of-my-mail that bothers me. privacy is something i value a lot. so as respect and trust. they're STRICTLY important to me. people has got to fucking know that. if it's important to you, it's 80 times more important to me. so once i feel my privacy gets violated, i feel respect and trust to be disregarded. if you can't respect my privacy, i can't respect nor trust you. so basically there's just really no point associating myself with an asshole like you.

if only i could scream right now, i would. i'm still throwing expletives in my head. i just can't stop swearing and cursing while typing this. fcuk.

another sad realization

2006-07-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

if you love them, you have to try to love what they love.

sometimes the joy of someone's life can be the bane of your existence. just as much as you want to be appreciated for the things you love, others also want to be supported for the things they enjoy. if you begin to really grasped how much certain things mean to them, you ought to know that it's so much better to be supportive than be jealous and insecure.

i wish i had understood it sooner.

why do i blog?

2006-07-20T18:36:00.000-04:00

i don't find thoughts, i let thoughts find me. and then i put them into words, i put them in a blog.

i don't agree with the idea that an entry in a blog requires major contemplation. i mean, take me for example.. i don't reserve a portion of my time brainstorming, "oh what am i gonna write about today?" i don't do that. it totally ruins the essence of what i consider real blogging. blogging has been an essential part of my life and of who i am as a person. but even after 3 years of existence in the blogworld, i've never viewed blogging as an obligation nor have i ever gotten bored doing it. it ticks me off when some people think blogging is a stupid trend done by people with nothing better to do in their lives than rant and go -emo. gees, never in my life have i considered blogging as a trend. i blog because for some reason, i find solace in it. i blog not because i want people to visit my site and read updates about me. it's mainly for self-improvement and self-gratification - never for other people's pleasure . so yeah, i did creat a blog for some self-centered reason. that's why i ditched the overcrowded xanga, and has gone hermit in the comforting haven of blogspot ( even though this account was really intended for some other reason)

blogging is my way of release and escape from the world's reality. moreover, i get preoccupied with thoughts and emotions A LOT - thoughts that i don't know how to say to others if not in writing. so from there i get the urge to just type it all in and preserve them for future retrospect.

from time to time, i get these intense feelings and emotions that burst from within me. i want people to understand and be aware of them. but there are times that some people do not realize how i really feel unless i use a different medium aside from the cliched oral communication.

and ever so often, i just really wanna write. or type rather.

--

i don't want to end this,
so please don't start that.

crappy mondays

2006-07-17T21:10:00.000-04:00

mondays are the most difficult days of the week!( at least this monday is)

every thing is unbelievably slow on mondays, including my brain. and maybe that's the reason why i was so dumb to lose one of my favorite earrings today. *sniffs*. in contrary to slowness, stupid bus was awfully fast and came 10 minutes earlier. i had to run my ass off to the bus stop because of that. i was half-asleep and half-awake during those wee hours. a big thanks to the coffee which hyped up my mind and got my neurons waken up.

starting from last night, certain thought was penetrating my head once AGAIN. i don't wanna entertain the idea but boredom let it slip in. sighs. this is what happen when i don't have my ipod with me. it makes me open and vulnerable to biting derangement. it's not nice. or maybe it is, but just a little. hehe. it became my inspiration to compose a song! you must be thinking, whoa danika and songwriting? haha. fine, it's hardly finished and needs a major repair. i'm working on it. but i'll probably just leave it as a plain poem with no melody. i mean what the hell do i know about songwriting anyway, right?

--

the truth hurts but it sets us free.

there are people who can leave our arms without leaving our hearts. and when these people leave for good, it is necessary for us to accept that they will never come back. pain is inevitable, and unless we give up the pie in the sky and give in to change awaiting us, suffering will persist and disturb even the most peaceful and happiest part of our thoughts. blindness is a root of suffering; if we don't open our eyes to the hurtful reality, rest assured, our suffering is not going to stop.

questioning life..

2006-07-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

this entry is inspired by tabel's blog and her friendster's philosophical "About Me" section. she has thought-provoking questions i find really interesting. most of them i couldn't answer, but these i can:

What is reality for you?

the intense moments, both the mundane and the extreme, the worst pains and the best euphoric joys, the simplest and the most complicated - those, for me, are what encompass reality since they are the ones that really define me and my place in the world. the moderate ones don't matter, they are merely a breather from reality.

Which one is better to follow when making decisions: your silly heart or your stupid brain?

if there's one thing i learned from the previous chapter of my life, it was:

listen to your mind.
but follow your heart.

if you truly use your mind and follow your heart, even if things don't turn out the way you want them, you'll have no regrets, definitely no mistakes - only lessons.

--

i can't get enough of rivermaya. dammit. they really are my current obsession (aside from eheads). especially rico blanco. i don't find him gwapo nor cute. but for some reason i find him really hot! i mean with the unbelievable songwriting skills he possesses, you can't really blame me, can you? hehe. there's something so attractive about him i can't explain. i just admire the man, hands down.

dawn

2006-07-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

pain in the eye.

my left eye is killing me. it's sore. disturbingly sore. plus there are these disgusting blobs of mucous-looking gummy secretion bursting from it. arrrh. it's shameful that we don't even have visine or any kind of eyedrops here at home. mann. i might need to wear sunglasses tomorrow for work. that's gonna be weird. oh well. work's been killing me as well. i'm starting to not like this job. of all the summer interns working in that company now, why am i the unfortunate one that gets to be in the department where there's no real work to be done? doing nothing in a job is not funny, trust me. it may be fun for a couple of hours, but when you do it every single day, it's so not cute anymore. double bummer.

anyways, it's my sister's 24th birthday today. we have a lil barbecue here at home. my mom made hotdogs in sticks with marshmallows. i was rolling laughing when i saw them. haha. sooooo filipino. it's cute though. hehe. i should've taken pictures of them.

chapter (?)

i'm getting there. i really feel like i'm a changed person. not exactly sure when it began. all i know is i am i am! and i love it. while on the train today, i couldn't help thinking about it - the apparent intrinsic changes of my character. plus i'm starting to see the beauty of the horizon and smell the cool new breeze. yerps. night's coming to an end people. darkness is almost over. the sun is ready to stray its vitalizing lights once again. one thing is really a fact: no matter how dark the night, morning always comes.

i'm kind of trying to create a timeline of my life in my mind. i don't know about the number of chapters in your life. all i know is i really AM in a new chapter. and i'm really liking this period of my life. this all-time low is starting to go up. happy moments are kicking in. i love love love the danika today. seriously. =]

..and we both try to live somehow

2006-07-09T14:48:00.000-04:00

someone special in my heart sent me the lyrics of this song. i couldn't help getting emotional while listening to the song and reading the lyrics. i'm speechless. i don't know what to really say expect that I FELT THE SONG. i felt it so deeply that i do not know what to say. it's a sad song. really sad but strikingly touching ( at least in my situation ). especially the third stanza - i literally get chills when i listen to it.

I want to live forever
Inside the nights and days.
Wishing on a silver cloud,
Crawling across the moonbeams.
A summer night in heaven
Between the stars and waves.
Race across the old bonfire;
Trample on my heartbeat.

I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But somebody owns you now.

I love you with a fire,
Ablazing till times end
But what good is a heart
When it shudders to speak.
I guess it's too late now.

"I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But of course somebody owns you now.
And I tried to live somehow
Somebody owns you now"

-241, Rivermaya

:::::EDIT:::::

just want to make it clear:

i'm not owned by any guy. and i don't want to be.

i have set myself free. yes, FINALLY.
--

If anyone knows why it's named 241 please let me know. cos i have no clue and i'm really dying to know the reason behind the title.

tagalugan

2006-07-06T21:12:00.000-04:00

`gawin kong taglish to ah. hehe.

first day ko sa trabaho kanina. pakiramdam ko hindi ako nakatulog. pakiramdam ko nakapikit lang ako ng mga tatlo o apat na oras, at tapos non, tapos na. yun na yun. yun na yung dapat kong pahinga at tulog. ayos noh? hindi ako nageexaggerate ah. totoo yun. katawa nga e. binibigyan pa ko ng advice ni jun kagabi kung pano makatulog ng mabilis. tapos yun pala, yun yung gabing magiging abnormal talaga yung tulog ko.

anyway, first day ko nga sa work kanina, diba? tapos yun, ok naman sya. ang astig ng ID nila. and ang astig ng magtrabaho sa exchange place. feeling professional ako. tapos ayos din yung kinainan naman nung lunch. hehe. kala ko talaga masungit manager ko. hindi naman pala. ang bait nga nung babaeng nagtitraining sakin e. okay yung trabaho ko don. pero hindi ko siguro kayang magtrabaho don ng pangmatagalan. hindi para sakin ang "Finance" kaya inerase ko na rin yun sa list ko ng choices kung anong dapat imajor sa college. dalawang oras yata akong tumungaga lang dahil hindi nakainstall yung importanteng program sa computer ko. tapos yung internet naman nila, lahat nakablock. gmail, yahoomail. myspace? asa pa ko. nakablock lahat! kaya ayun.. buti na lang may nag abot sakin ng libreng dyaryo paglabas ko ng path train. kaya sa entertainment section non.. nagsudoku na lang ako! haha. ngayon lang ako nakapaglaro non. nakakaadik. i swear bibili ako ng libro non. nakakafrustrate nga lang. pero entertaining sya, in fairness. sinubukan ko pa ngang igoogle yun e. pero biruin mo, pati yung mga links sa sudoku nakablock. grabeng kompanya yan. pero seryoso, hanggang pag uwi ko para parin akong adik na nagsosolve ng sudoku. hindi ko pa nga sya nasosolve hanggang ngayon e. haha. nagsagot na lang tuloy ako ng mapang asar na survey. ninakaw ko kay nengkie sa friendster. hehe.

hanep yung pagcommute ko kanina. iba talaga yung dating pagmag isa kang sumasakay sa train. sabayan mo pa ng ipod. tapos nakatayo ko lang, nakasabit ang kamay sa mga hawakan. emo to the millionth degree, pero ang sarap ng feeling. ewan ko ba kung bakit. pero tuwing sumasakay ako ng train mag isa with matching music sa ipod, astig yung feeling. para kong nasa movie. para kong nakadroga. hehe. itry nyong gawin, baka maramdaman nyo rin.

parang tungak yung tatay ko kanina. tuwang tuwa sakin. inuutusan pa yung ate ko na icongratulate ako. nakapagcommute daw ako! nakapagtrain at nakagbus paaalis at pauwi ng ako lang mag isa. pano ko daw nagawa yon? samantalang sila, hinding hindi nila kayang gawin yon. e ang tagal ko na kayang ginagawa yon, ok lang sya? pero ayun nga, tuwang tuwa sya sakin. kaya ko na raw mabuhay. ilang ulit nyang sinabi yun ha. KAYA KO NA RAW MABUHAY. gusto na yata ako palayasin e. bad news yun for me. kasi ang ibig sabihin talaga non, hindi na nya ko ihahatid. kawawa naman ako. magbubus na lang palage. kung may lisensya lang talaga ko... *sobs* .

intrigued

2006-07-05T22:07:00.000-04:00

i'm intrigued. really intrigued. ever since saturday, somebody's been calling my phone using a blocked number. and every time i answer it, this person hangs up. hhhmmm.. who the hell could it be? somebody needs to confess!
--

tomorrow is officially my first day on the job. my first REAL job. i'm kind of scared. i just really hope it turns out alright. man, waking time is gonna be a problem AGAIN. gotta be up by 5:30 in the morning. suxx.
--

"If your love is truly giving, it will come back to you tenfold." -The Cable Guy

i love that line. i heard that line two nights ago when I couldn't sleep. i wasn't even paying attention to the movie until jim carry uttered that line. siigghh. another hope-boosting inspirational quote. i wanna make my own version of that quote, so here you go:

if your love is truly perverted, it will come back to you a millionfold you asshole.

karma is REAL, trust me. it's been proven (based on personal experience). it's actually slapping me in the face as of the moment. man i was bad. but it's all been done. at least i know what i did wrong and i'm not that stupid to make the same cowardly mistakes again. i mean, bottom line, that's what really matters, right?

freedom

2006-07-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

i'm surprised that this day hasn't gone as intense as i thought. i had been intrigued by how this "day" would go ever since last last week. but i don't really want to make a big deal out of it now, because like what i just said: it wasn't that intense and dramatic as it was supposed to be. i don't want to make another dramatic post, i've already had enough emo entries for the past months. lol. so let me just say what i want to say..

i did a complete Season 2 marathon of Project Runway today. good show. can't wait 'til season three. haha. and i saw the fireworks ofcourse. it's a good thing that they have fireworks here in bloomfield. i don't have to go all the way to jersey city just to watch the "must-watch" in fourth of july. anyway, i have to be honest, it really felt weird when people greeted me happy 4th of july. really weird. maybe it was because most people don't really know what this "day" means to me..

this morning i read a blog of some girl. we share the same sentiment and it kind of uplifted my hopes. i may not be happy with all breakup and shit that torn my heart into pieces. it was the saddest thing that has ever happened to me so far. the pain is undeniably tormenting. but really... despite the deep wound that this breakup has brought me, i'm GLAD. im really glad that he broke it off. i do know that it was best for us to go separate ways. we need to find ourselves without each other around. it's not really that bad after all. just as what this 4th of july represents, there's FREEDOM for me now. i'm free. hellavu free from all the fightings and drama. i even noticed that this time, the tears that drip are less bitter than the ones before. i believe it's a good sign. a really great sign.

it's been a year. and maybe today with all the booming fireworks, i can start AGAIN a new period with a bang. a bang different from the one before. it's gonna be a year of being single HAPPILY. yehhp. cheers to freedom!

random thoughts

2006-07-02T14:53:00.000-04:00

+ hats off to pacman. he's just awweesoommmee. last night's match was great. to be honest, i really didn't expect him to win. shame on me. haha. but he won, he won! i'm so impressed.

+ new photos are available at Multiply. photography is my new frustration. see it for yourself.

+ i'm trying to learn guitar. since there's no way i can learn violin this summer, i'm switching to guitar. is it possible? i wonder.

--

shall-read books this summer: (since i should i have read them a long time ago)

1. Tuesdays With Morrie - Mitch Albom
2. Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas - James Patterson
3. Eleven Minutes - Paulo Coelho
4. I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris
5. the rest of Gossip Girl - Cecily Von Ziegesar
6. Good Omens - Neil Gaiman
feel free to make suggestions.

--

it's funny how we can all be different and similar at the same time. it's easy for us to judge others but it's hard for us to accept criticisms from them. in fact, we really hate it when they do nitpick us. ergo often times we choose not to open up to people. cos in our heads, we know that they have nothing pleasant to say on us. the funny thing is, these people can be thinking of the same thing towards us. it's easier to criticize close friends and family. perhaps it's the reason why we tend to forget that they're also humans whose feelings we can hurt. tsk. it's really ironic
to realize all this through my dad. yeah, my dad. and if you knew how we are together, you'd understand how funny and weird it is.

upm, musikang pinoy

2006-06-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

OPM needs redefinition. the word "original" doesn't seem to fit OPM's realistic context anymore. maybe it should be renamed UPM: UNORIGINAL PILIPINO MUSIC. ( just a suggestion ) i'm really really saddened and aggravated with the "katarantaduhan" present in pinoy music these days. new talentless people who claim themselves as"artists" passionate about music are now flooding the industry. today, as long as you have the looks, the charisma and the connection, you can launch your own album. talent doesn't seem to matter anymore. tsk tsk. and it's quite disturbing that many of the listeners aren't even bothered by it. in fact, they're going ga-ga over these horrible ameteur singers and bands.

i just finished browsing tristancafe.com. i caught myself shocked with the names i saw in the music and lyrics section. there's too many pinoy band nowadays. and i don't know why the hell it bothers me, but it really does kinda bother me. i mean when i watch some of them in game ka na ba or in asap, i find them so trying-hard and pa-cool. it's kind of irritating. and even other singers like kitchie nadal has become a disappointment to me. i like her songs but man does she suck at performing. and sam milby.. don't even let me start.. that guy should just stick to modeling or something similar to that. leave the music industry to the people who deserves to be in it. oh well. today, even manny pacquiao has his own album. hahaha. but with manny's case, i find it understandable. i mean he's been a big inspiration to many. and i do have a big respect for the man. so what's wrong with a little album of his own? lol. only in the philippines.

"You are nothing but a second grade, trying hard copycat!"

back to the negative.. shame on toni ganzaga! if you've seen her horrifically shocking performance on asap last sunday, you'd know what i mean. shame on her for singing "we belong", an obvious rip off from the popular "first love" of utada hikaru. i never really liked that lame comedian wannabe. now i just loathe her. really loathe her. aahhhhhhh. what is wrong with the pinoy music of today? since when did bastardizing songs become a trend? first it was cueshe, then orange and lemons, and now this? i know there's still a lot of rip-off songs i just haven't discovered yet. but what really really ticks me off i guess is the thought that the producers/composers of these songs actually think they can fool us. do they really think we're that stupid to not distinguish the similarity of these ripoff songs from their orig versions. ginawa ba daw tayong tanga?

nakakahiya na talaga. thank god for eraserheads and rivermaya. they really make me proud. hehe. and also freestyle. it's just sad that top suzara has launched his own album. does that mean there's no more freestyle? tsk. tsk. talk about a big loss in pinoy music industry. a REAL loss. too bad there's no REAL gain going on.

born again

2006-06-28T01:23:00.000-04:00

the insomniac side of me is currently awake. meaning: it's blog time!

when a good thing comes, expect more good things to come.

my computer connection is back to the way it used to be. yehey.

i got my sat scores yesterday and boy was i frigging surprised. no actually i was SHOCKED, dumbfoundedly SHOCKED. it's funny cos i was, at first, so scared to look at it, but when i finally took that deep breath and focused my eyes on the screen, i wasn't scared anymore .. i was HYSTERICAL! i couldn't believe it. i mean i was really expecting a crappy score way lower than my goal of 1800, but the results showed me a fabulous score even surpassing that goal. i'm so happy!!! that event truly boosted my confidence and determination. =]

i'm officially starting my job, my first REAL job (aside from the disastrous babysitting i did two years ago) next week. we had orientation yesterday and it was great. plus, they fed us real well. haha. i just hope this doesn't become a disaster cos i really REALLY want this job. but i'm not gonna raise up my expectations because we all know that great expectations do equal great disappointments.

getting to my blog's title, the biggest issue today is my BLOG's name. i just changed my url name. no more danikajpg.blogspot.com, it's officially ferveurista.blogspot.com. tomorrow, i'm gonna try to overhaul the whole layout and make it look cozier and prettier.

expect the MOOD to change. =)

pass it forward

2006-06-25T21:40:00.000-04:00

i feel the urge to blog despite my frustratingly slow internet connection. if you think your computer is slow.. ha! think again. my connection has come to its worst condition. and this has been an ongoing-pain-in-the-ass problemo for almost a week now. i get disconnected more often than i get connected, my browser takes forever to load, and my computer freezes more than our freezer in the fridge does. grrr.

this afternoon i got to watch romy and michelle's high school reunion on tv. i realized that i really really need to watch movies more than once. lol. there was a portion in that movie tha made me think. i mean, it's just that.. while the a-group were making romy and michelle's lives hell, r and m were making the rebel-looking-lady-who-smokes-like-a-chimney's life hell. and little did they all know that during all those years, that rebel lady was making that cheery chubby girl's life miserable. haha.

and so i wonder, am i making anyone's life hell? could i be tearing someone's heart right now? lol. but you know what, to be honest with you, i'm not really that clueless nor insensitive. in fact, im not insensitive at all. and i think it also goes for other people. cos more often than not, we could sense the signs, the signals, or whatever it is we sense. it's just that we tend to ignore it. we tend to freaking ignore it! sighhh. enough with that.

----

Acceptance is a very very powerful move towards moving on. really really POWERFUL.

the art of letting go

2006-06-24T16:50:00.000-04:00

setting the other person free is only a partial meaning of letting go. in fact the hardest and most important part of letting go is not setting the other person free, rather it is setting YOURSELF free. when you let go, you accept the fact that there are changes that must be made. these changes aren't the ones you accept and then get over with. these changes are long-term changes that will significantly mold you into the person you are meant to be. letting go doesn't happen in a blink of an eye, not even in an hour, not even in a day. letting go is a process that requires willingness, acceptance, patience and hope. letting go can leave a scar, it can tear your heart into pieces, and it can hurt for a very long time, but letting go does indeed set you free. and this means setting you free from more pains of holding on. letting go, no matter how difficult and heart-crushing, is more often than not the best choice that must be made.

a good friend of mine told me once that any advices would never make a difference unless i myself see and accept the fact that he is not the one for me. i have finally catched her drift after months of wallowing in tears and clutching onto the invisible rope which i have held on for so long.

i need change. and no matter how scary it may seem, i just need to accept it and hope that it is for the best. so i'm not gonna let myself drown any more. but i'm not gonna swim either. nor am i gonna let someone rescue me. i'm just gonna let myself float. let the sun and the sky guide me. and let the waves carry me to the place where i should be.

-----

once you love someone, you will always love that someone.

love can't be lost ever. it may grow and it may diminish. it may change. 90 percent can dwindle down to 17 percent or to 3 percent or even to .00134 percent. but it can never be a FLAT ZERO. never. not if it's real love.

sa una lang daw masarap
ang pag ibig ganyan talaga
ako'y nilamon ng pag ibig..
-Masaya, Bamboo

hola y adios

2006-06-23T01:27:00.000-04:00

the end of my hs at ferris. i have been anticipating for this day more than ever. finals is done. my junior year is completed. but if you were to ask me how i really feel about it.. i'd be honest and tell you that i don't feel i have accomplished enough to say i have lived my junior year to the fullest.

but i digress from the regrets...

best week ever. i went to RYLA (Rotary Youth Leadership Award), a 6-day convention at Honesdale, PA, two weeks ago. it was a week of passion, teamwork, friendship, service, leadership, and a culture that's different from the rest. i went there without really knowing anything about what the hell that convention is about. neither did i have a clue that it would change my life. a pivotal moment, truly.

"Find your passion and stick with it." - Mark

i'm inspired. it used to really bother and frustrate me that i didn't know EXACTLY what i wanna do with my life. up to now, i'm still not sure if Accounting is what i really want to major in. i used to be resigned to the idea that God didn't intend to have something special for me. Metal, my uber cool counselor, told us something that really hit me profoundly. he told us that we were wrong if we thought we already knew what we wanted to do with our lives. we're still young and a lot of things will happen. we don't know where life will lead us. my hopes were lifted up when he said that. my frustration has turned into a goal. he told me that someday i will find my own passion, i just need to try and make an effort to find it. so yah.. that's my goal right now.. find that passion. i wanna be one of those people who would rather choose to play songs in bars, take photographs, and pursue their passions than earn tremendous amount of salary from a high-paying job they're not completely happy with. honestly, i've always wanted to be rich, i mean you know.. big house, luxary cars, great business. .. RICH. but i've realized that there's something more important than being financially rich that i want to become. i want to become PASSIONATE about something. insanely passionate that i'd be dead without that passion.

`ready to catch. ready to fall. i've always been the "reserved" kind of person. the kind of person who would mind her own business and wouldn't bother to get into others' business unless asked to. perhaps it's because i've always been scared of getting trapped into other people's lives. that's why i made my own universe, my own lil universe that revolved around me. ryla made me experience the simplest and the extreme - the best feelings in the world. the feeling that you can only experience when you open up your world and let other people in. cos seriously, if there was something i witnessed in ryla, it was the connection i felt with each and every one that exists around. i don't want to be the reserved kind of person anymore. i want to get involved. i'm opening my world. i'm ready to catch just as i am ready to fall.

every new beginning is another beginning's end. sometimes we need to make sacrifices just to make other people happy. we need to swallow our pride and keep our mouths shut to give way to other people's beginning. we need to give way for other people's happiness even if it means ending our own. sacrifice our happiness for theirs. but it's not really the end, is it? cos i still have HOPE that things will get better. so no, it's not the end. in fact, it's really just the beginning.. for you, for me, for us.

heartaches

2006-04-28T16:49:00.000-04:00

it doesn't really hurt when the person you love and want to love forever breaks up with you. it doesn't. it only gets heart-crushing in the following morning when you wake up, open your eyes and come to the realization that the relationship is indeed over. that this is a different day. it's the start of your life when you can no longer call him yours. no more phone calls to wait for. no more honey to call. no more cheesiness and comforting words. nothing.

it's painfully upsetting when the promises you want to keep and the things you passionately want to do are the hopeless ones you must let go. i have found the paradox that while hope gives you strength to move on, it also restrains you to hold on. hope lets you view the future in a strengtheningly bright way. but hope also make you hold onto the rope and bleed. it is the same damn hope that makes it so difficult for you to let go. cos in your hope-filled heart, every thing will be back to the way it used to be. just endure the pain and wait.

i guess the most accurate thing i've learned is the fact that you can only know so much of something. it's saddening but at the same time fulfilling when you finally come to the point where you realize that your realizations in the past were flawed. that you are wrong just when you thought you were right. that perhaps you really, up to now, can't connect the dots and see the giant and elusive picture infront of you. cos to be really honest, until now i still haven't absorbed every little pieces of the whole incident. i don't know what i feel. hell do i have a freaking clue of what my mind is telling me. all i really know is i am hurt. deeply and badly wounded. i can shed the most painful tears like there's no tomorrow. i feel so empty and alone.

it sucks that up to now i'm still unconsciously or maybe consciously trying to manipulate myself. parading a facade. denying certain things that perhaps i just can't really accept. all i got is a goddamn hope and a burning hodge podge of old and new lessons. hope that someday i'll reach the ever-awaited point where telling people i'm okay and over him is no longer an awful pretension. hope that someday this pain will get healed. and most importantly, hope that someday i'll find genuine happiness in the place where i truly belong.

...

2006-04-19T12:19:00.000-04:00

i was willing to wade deeply
because you promised that you will never let go of my hand.
but now i found myself drowning
without you my love around.
it's tough to get through this situation alone.
but what really kills me
is the feeling that you don't even care

you don't care that I am still right here..
willing to drown for you.

keeping the faith

2006-04-10T20:06:00.000-04:00

My friend keeps reiterating these words to me:

"You're in a stage of denial. You need to move on."

I am NOT in denial. If I was, I would have ignored and suppressed these strong bursting emotions. You can only deny something you are sure is an absolute truth. And so far I haven't gotten the facts straighten out, so basically there's really nothing to deny.

I know i could've done better. I could've been better. cos to be honest,i don't think i've done enough for this relationship. it sucks that there may not be a second chance to redo the past. it sucks that aside from the happy memories i would be left with, is a great deal of regrets. and i guess that's what really hurts the most. the fact that i still have so much to give and offer, but there's no more chances left. the fact that i believe in this relationship so much to see it crash and fail.

breaking up doesn't necessarily mean letting go. but i know that someday I'M GONNA HAVE TO LET GO. but for the meantime, let me hold on.. because i still haven't lost my faith - on him, on me, and on US.

the world and i

2006-04-09T19:53:00.000-04:00

THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH THIS MONTH:

1. ~~Stock Market Essay~~
2. ~~Merrill Lynch Essay~~
3. Get driver's permit!
4. US II project ( John McCain )
5. Shop and Enjoy =]
6. Physics Project
7. Interview at Pershing
8. Moment of Truth.

guilty pleasure out of somebody's misery. everyone has his own bag of shitload. i have my problems, you have yours. while others may be complaining and crushed to death by their gigantic burden, i am at ease working on my thing casually and smoothly. and while it may sometimes annoy me to hear such common rantings of people, i feel a little happy.. because the troubles that could kill these people are my little ones that i hardly pay attention to. the little ones that i was battling over a long time ago. i still have my regular burdens, schoolwork especially, but i don't think i'm still the whiny little girl bitching about it all the time. i feel lucky and proud of myself. proud of the life's stage i am in. proud of the resilience i have discovered within me. and most all, proud of the maturity i'm sure i have achieved. i'm one tough chick after all. ;D

when the universe conspires. it's weird to feel that the whole world is actually giving me these hints or signs to push me into something. could it be possible? or have i really just gone completely unhinged? i mean.. the songs i hear in the radio, the movies or shows i watch, the news or stories i read.. all of them just seem to be talking to me directly.. giving me advices, reality checks, hopes.. really weeeiiirdd.

l-o-v-e. quite frankly i don't understand how i could move on like this. i don't understand how i could start a new chapter without putting a proper ending on the last one. i haven't gotten my answers. and i know that until i have them, i'll be hanging. this wound will never get healed.. until that day comes.

new definition

2006-03-26T14:54:00.000-05:00

last week of march.

i haven't accomplished a lot this weekend. the complicated stock market essay is killing me big time. getting it done within the space of two weeks is IMPOSSIBLE. argghh. another deadline for me. but thank heavens for these deadlines because they fill up my attention. and i'm not giving up on this. if i have to work my ass off and burn the midnight oil every single day, i would. just to get it done. it's not about winning $500 any more. it's about not giving up. and i guess it's one of the biggest change i have undergone as a person.

i've been emotionally torturing my self for the past months. danika talaga! but don't worry, a few more bang on the head and i'll be fine. cos after this dramatic darkness, i know i'll become a new person - a better and a much stronger one. can't wait to close this hapless ending and finally start the next chapter of my life.

shun and be shunned. relationship is bullshit. that's my current definition for it. good guys. bad guys. they're all the same. and until i found a man that will effectively redefine it for me, new relationship, for me, will remain unworthy of attention.

screaming pain

2006-03-20T21:58:00.000-05:00

This keeps hurting me, I might not endure the pain
It's driving me crazy, I don't know who's to blame
It's the end of the road, this ache needs to heal
So set me free, i beg you, if it's really not meant to be

real and reel

2006-03-19T12:38:00.000-05:00

i dreamed of the weirdest thing last night:

minutes after i ate a meal, my teeth began to hurt really bad. i looked in the mirror and saw a huge rotting dent on one of my teeth. Blood is bursting to drip out. Then i saw the rest of my teeth, rotting and ready to fall out. It was completely and utterly horrific.

"A bad tooth may represent a painful or rooten part of one's feelings, life or relationships; angry or regretful words." -Source

So was that it? A painful part of my identity ?? I need to move on. I want to. I really do want to. I just wish my heart would let me.

infinity and beyond

2006-03-14T20:59:00.000-05:00

march is a forever month. i swear. and it's the fastest one at the same time. i guess if you really have a day you've been looking forward - dreading i mean, clock just seems to spin hypersonic. ha. it's probably the wednesday-news-article-in-my-economics-class that makes my weeks seem surprisingly fast. it's not in the sense that i'm actually dreading it. it's probably the thought that i have deadlines i must meet regularly. going back to the first sentence i've made, march goes on forever. here i am still. can't wait 'til weekends. that moment. still yearning and longing. taking a risk i can't believe i'm still determined to play.

last week was hell days. finally hspa is over. anyways, today i went to the mall after a month of house-school-house-school torture. it turned out that my sister couldn't pick me up until 5 PM. So i decided to go to the mall, indulge my self and look for something i would be happy to splurge my money out. it didn't turn out the way i planned it cos i couldn't find jeans that fit me well! dammit.

stay positive. while stuck in traffic on the way home, this awesome black infiniti m35 car just kept popping out of my gaze. and some unexpected excitement and optimism just washed over me. it's not just the feeling that i can't wait to drive. it's the feeling the i can't wait to get rich. haha. but seriously, i have this gut feeling that i would be successful, make the right investments, live in a big house, and earn mad bucks some years from now. ha!

still feels great to dream once in a while.

still

2006-03-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry. i'm lonely.
i'm disappointed. i'm scared.
the feeling's so heavy.
i'm bursting and yet suppressing.
holding back and holding on.
i'm hoping. i'm restrained.
i'm incomplete. i'm longing.
i'm broken. i'm lost.
i'm still inlove.

life's sugarcoat

2006-03-10T21:48:00.000-05:00

I want to die for a week. Just to get some breather. Just to get away for once. I don't want reality slapping me. I don't want unatainable dreams and false hopes consuming me. A smooth and lengthy sleep is what I want. No distractions. No pains. No worries. No pressures. Just a steady 168-hour break from the rest of the world.

"All human beings are commingled out of good and evil." - Robert Stevenson

In the beginning of Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll made an assertion that man is not truly one, but truly two - that is, half good and half bad. But later in the novel, with Mr. Hyde's dominant character, it seemed as if man is naturally savage, vulgar and evil. It was only civilization that veneered man into having conscience, restraint and morals. That is why when man is provoked by any outside forces, the veneer will soon peel off and free the animal living within the man.

Well here's my assertion: We can never know a person enough. There's nothing in this world we can consistently rely on. A pledge is not a guarantee. No matter how much you know a person, you can never be TOO SURE. Sooner or later promises will be broken. And those things that are not meant to last forever will come to a halt. It's a simple concept. But crashingly difficult if we can't accept it. They say fate only lead us somewhere, it's up to us to do the rest, gather the ingredients and prepare our own destiny. Everything's under our control. I say it's bullshit. Cos no matter how hard we try to make our dream a realistic destiny, if the pieces we need don't want to be a part of who we are, our plan will always be just a mere fantasy. We could never create that destiny we've been wanting. And maybe because of the frustration and desperation that it brings, we unawarely scrape off the pleasant covering of ourselves and unleash the damaging colors of our true identities.

something new

2006-02-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

spring semester.

new classes. new faces. new rules. new habits. yes, a lot has changed.

Block 1. Algebra 2H
Block 2. PreCalculus
Block 3. U.S. History 2H
Block 4. Physics H

i'm blowing my brains out in precalculus and i surprisingly enjoy it. who in the world would have ever thought that I would actually relish every minute of solving such convoluted mathemetical problems? additionally, carrying 3 heavy ass books around the school all at the same time isn't something i really mind nowadays. i dont know why but this humongous workload is giving me the weirdest pleasure. hayy.. maybe I just really miss my 2 high school years of abundant work in the Philippines. the investigatory project. biology class. the 7-chapter tests in history class. the heavy cramming before finals. the hard stuff that shaped up the good stuff. the good times. ahhhh. i miss it like hell.

finally had the epiphany I have long awaited. i knew it in my heart, but the constant battle of mind and heart just kept getting in the way. or so i thought. i guess what i really wanna say is things now are really getting better. really better. there are certain times that we think things are out of hand and we have no choice but make tough decisions. but sometimes the answer we're looking for doesn't really rely on making such dramatic choices. sometimes it's really just about opening both our hearts and minds... all we need is a bang in the head and a pinch on the heart to come back to our senses, to get over the dramas we've created ourselves, to learn and make things better, and be happy and content once again.

stuck

2006-01-30T19:31:00.000-05:00

ever had that morning when you just wanna wake up and start a brand new day? but you just had the most awesome dream of your life, thus a part of you thought you ought to stay in bed and try to make it happen again. as foolish as it may sound but u desperately believe that with a fair amount of patience, it will vividly come back any minute. you don't wanna open your eyes cos you're afraid you might lose it completely. goddamit your eyes begin to hurt that u start to tear with your eyes hopelessly shut.

you're stuck.

and you pathetically wonder..

will it ever happen again?

return of the queen

2006-01-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

i am back. definitely back. and even though i just made a Multiply account, this blog is still alive. damn i miss blogging so freaking much, you have no idea.

let's start. ready?

Christmas + New Year. These were the gloomiest holidays EVER. it just didn't feel like christmas and new year at all. our family tradition seemed so trite that i didn't even want to celebrate and eat noche buena and media noche. gifts were great but holiday spirit was just so elusive to be felt. To cap it all off, my new year's resolution of a rigid diet has turned into an ongoing gluttonous eating. argghh.

Bloomfield Chick. it's official. along with the new address is a lot of momentous changes - my sleeping and waking habits, gimiks and escapades, list goes on.. i'm stuck with home and school, home and school. could it get any more tragic?

Escuela. School's been pretty good lately. Mainly because finals is over baby. *Cheers* Got exempted at CBA 2 and Accounting finals. hehe. And guess what... I'm not coming to school tomorrow. Taking a personal day off.bwahaha. Oh yah, one story.. the other day, i almost cried. well not really. i don't really know if i want to write it down here. but i'll write it anyway. it's just cos this freaking administrator didn't think i could handle precalculus along with physics H, US 2H, and Algebra 2H. that jerk. how dare him insult me like that. he printed my grades at the secretary's computer. and then came to a conclusion that i was a bright girl indeed to handle such classes. so he let me took it. it really almost broke my heart when they said i couldn't take precalc, and i probably won't get an A. ahhh.. those monsters. they'll get a piece of Danika sooner or later.

Geek-y. I'm getting way inclined with this greek mythology as of late. it was more interesting and cooler than i thought. i want to buy a greek myth book. seriously. somebody buy me one. hehe. my hands are itching to shop for books. i really really want to build a freaking library here at home. but anyways, i'm rereading my "A Short History of the World" book like a novel. my passion for History and Geography is back. My love for books is BACK. And before i forget, i have to discurse a lil bit.. but just want to let you know that i'm so into WB'S Beauty and the Geek right now. Totally a recommended reality show for everyone. hihi. too bad Tyson just got evicted today. ahhhh!!! he was my favorite. and now he's gone dammit.

relief

2005-11-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

midterm exam is over. now that's something to be relieved upon. and now i'm stuck with nothing to do. haha. i must start reading for SAT but sadly i don't have the urge at the current moment. yes, procrastinator is my middle name.

this morning, i was nearly halfway of my powerpoint presentation when i felt my mouth becoming utterly dry that i started to panic. as a result, i forgot my words and lost 10% of my speech. thank heavens for that bottle of water my teacher gave me. if not for that, i don't think i'd finish that report. my teacher decided to give me a hundred. ( he probably knew how painstaking that presentation was for me ) hihi.

so let me get the lesson straight:

Thou shall always bring a bottle of water whenever thou has a presentation.

and by the way, luckily, i passed my driver's exam with a 84. it's still a disgrace but i guess i should be thankful for being fortunate enough to pass. i need to get my permit on the 25th so i can drive by june next summer. yikes, i'm suuppper excited. driver's ed class is over and gym class will inevitably begin tomorrow. my prediction? it's going to be 45 school days of boring torture. call me a nerd but i'd really prefer to sit in a class and learn ''anything" than go to gym class which i find a complete waste of time. the only thing that compensates this impending torture is the idea that time spins incredibly fast. next thing i know, it's spring break already. i will survive.

******************************************

"You gave me the most important thing, you believed in me." - Robots

That line has touched me profoundly. I've always had a problem when it comes to striving for a goal. but once i found an inspiration, once i found at least one person who believes in me, i get magically compelled to aim for my desires. and it's really powerful to have at least one person to be there for you. it can surely make a difference. heck it made a difference to me. having mark in my life, i feel incredibly happier and content. more confident with handling of things. less frightened of loss and tough ordeals. because even when i stumble a hundred times, i know that there will always be a hand out there willing to lift me back up. and one person is enough. i trust that person. it's true - out of 6 billion people, sometimes all you need is one.

I'm not really into cartoons. HARDLY. Ever since I was a kid, I never really got fond of watching animated movies and shows. But since we had nothing else to do in my driver's ed class, my teacher brought this dvd for us to watch. and since i was sitting in the front seat, i was forced to watch this goody kiddy movie. in fairness, it was a cute show. sometimes these shows are even more "mature" to watch than those adult-movies-supposed-to-be. violence, sex, drugs, alcohol, profanity - these are basically what you get by watching r18 movies. but hell watching 90 minutes of brutal entertainment won't get us anywhere. perhaps in jail, some strip club, or some fantasy world of our own, i don't know. but by watching such inspiring cartoon movie, we see a lesson that we can realistically apply to make ourselves better individuals.

ms. procrastinator

2005-11-11T17:09:00.000-05:00

it's not typical of me to delay important works. really, it's not. this week is the fall break, meaning i have 9 days off. ofcourse i already knew before it even began that this week is not going to be a stress-free vacation. i have plenty of school work but have scarce supply of money. something is really wrong with me. i mean i've been procrastinating like a lethargic bum. and now what in the world gives me this urge to blog but not start any of the several essays due next week. if only i started those essays, the dreadful thought of deadlines won't have to bug me every hour. and then it pops in again - my subconscious, freudian explanation to such condition. enlightenment. bwahaha..

so you see, i guess i am scared. i'm afraid to write those essays because i know it'll just frustrate me. i know i'll never be an awesome writer who could write a banging essay within 20 minutes. and now i know time is running out. i need to study for my midterm exam, work on my powerpoint presentation, and do my essays. but i've been delaying all of it to watch brain-atrophying shows on tv, and lying on my bed daydreaming. but i guess every people are like that in a way. to start something off could be quite scary. sometimes, awfully frightening. cos along with that are the inevitable expectations, natural uncertainties, possible pain or joy, and impending failure or success. and i guess i've always been scared of disappointment, be it to myself or to other people. but that's when the word RISK enters the picture. i need to take a risk. and it's not only on writing a goddamn essay. it's about asserting myself and taking a risk on the outside world. taking a risk of smiling and befriending just anyone. taking a risk of volunteering for whatever good cause there is. and even taking the risk of giving my freaking opinion. the simple things that restrain me. the very little things that suppress me to where i am. if i continue to do nothing but anxiously wait and leave everything to fate, then i'll never be able to move one step forward. even if someone helps make that move, i'm still doomed to stay to that dull, miserable spot... until i muster the guts, do the move, and carry my own feet forward.

the big search

2005-10-20T00:15:00.000-04:00

haven. sighhh...

i haven't updated for awhile. schoolwork is piling up so bad that i am so deprived of time writing and reading blogs.

anyway, what's good with me?

my family wants to move to Bloomfield, NJ as soon as possible. Next month or probably by december. After months of frustrating and unending search, here they are thinking and contently believing that they have found the perfect home for us. To a certain degree it excites me. I wanna get away from this ghetto city and leave this freaking apartment. But then the thought of leaving the people I love here and starting a new life in a completely different school, whoa.. that has got to freak me out. i don't wanna leave. NOT YET. i mean my senior year which would be a half day in school and half day in a decent job with a decent salary - that i have to regret when i move to another school somewhere in suburbia. why can't they just freaking wait and think about me for a second?

hassle. I have to say that these past few weeks, pressure has been an annoying pest on my back. pressure to score high on SAT. pressure to deadlines. pressure to not disappoint people around me. shitty pressures that i just want to get over with. i even made this lame and pathetic poem in my english class totally disclosing my thoughts about my current pressures in life. shit. and i thought i was reserved and secretive.

there was one time that i cried in school (secretly, ofcourse). it was an ordinary day and i dont know what had gotten into to me to feel that melancholy and anguish so deeply that i began to shed tears. I couldn't concentrate on my work. I couldn't think properly and positively. perhaps it was because of the severe pressures i thought i was getting. I felt so alone. Or maybe it was the sentimental music i was listening to that made burst into tears. but the point is: i cried. i effusively cried. hay.. dramarama.

the dreaded future. i was watching One Tree Hill awhile ago. and i've realized that that show was more than some teenage drama series that deals with high school kids, their love lives and basketball. it made me love that show even more. in today's episode, haley was going over the things she wrote about her dreams and goals. and that reminded me again of COLLEGE. my future. what i really wanna become. what i wanna do for the rest of my life. these past few days, ive been contemplating future once again. i mean i only have 2 years to decide what i wanna take in college. i've always dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since i was a kid. but now, i seriously don't know if that's what i really wanna be. sometimes i wanna pursue business. i want my own merchandising business - or maybe that's just again one of my transient dreams.

sometimes it really frustrates and saddens me that i could not make up my mind. but just like what my english teacher told me, he had 3 jobs until he realized what he really wanted to do - and that is, obviously, to teach. maybe it may take me awhile to completely understand my own self. but i guess that's what life is all about - a continuous search. search for the right house. search for the right person. search for your identity. search for your true vocation. don't give up. search for your happiness.

the seasonal cycle in a man's brain

2005-09-18T14:16:00.000-04:00

days are starting to draw in.
here we are in the boundary of summer and fall,
here i am, itching for the cold of winter.
and when winter finally storms its extremities,
i'll be hating it to death.
and crave again for another season... ..
the classic and everlasting beauty of spring.

text maniac

2005-09-09T19:07:00.000-04:00

holy son of a gun. it's been 13 days and i already used 1300 text messages. i already exceeded by 300 texts. how in the world am i gonna explain this to my mom? and how the heck could that be even possible? Actually this shouldn't be a surprise since i used to be like this before. but by before, i meant 5 years ago. And now i'm back to being a text maniac(?). The bill closes on the 27th, ergo, i can't text for three freaking weeks. it's gonna be a torture. i am so gonna be dead when the bill gets here. i don't even know whom i would say i text messaged all those time. ohh mom, that was just my boyfriend. yikes. :'( Oh well, i digress. First day of school yesterday was alright. Better than i thought.

First Block: English 3 Honors
Second Block: Computer Business App. 2
Third Block: Computer Accounting
Fourth Block: Driver's Ed.

I wanted to switch my fourth block class but i've changed my mind. I mean that class was bursting at the seams. There's like 40 people in there, and plenty of jackass unfortunately. It's gonna be hell. If only i could take Algebra 2H this fall, then i could take precalculus next sem. But it can't be, so i just gotta have to love my schedule to alleviate this dissatisfaction. My second choice to replace driver's ed was french 2, but french 2 honors is not available 'til the next spring semester. arggh. bummer.

torn

2005-09-04T22:19:00.000-04:00

After reading some heartfelt blogs from people, i find myself ready again for an emotional release. If i haven't read any of those, i don't think i'd have the urge to write, at least not this time. There's something about me changing. Lately, i'd get sleepy and tired so quickly. I haven't read a book for a month now. My passion for writing is dwindling off. No more euphoric deep thoughts at 2 in the morning. No more excitement.

But I've been happy. It's important that you know that. I still couldn't explain to myself why i feel more urge to write when i'm stricken with anger and woe than when my whole body is filled with joy. So every time i read my works, it gets me quite upset.

Today is a so-so. Asi asi. I am confused. have i really said and expressed my real emotions? or did i just dumbly fake it all? I feel this sorta tinge of regret washing over me. there are things in life that we think we want just because they give us happiness; there are things we do just because we think they are right. We spend so much time convincing ourselves and at same time denying certain things. We continue to twist the knife that one day we're just gonna wake up in the middle of the night wondering what the heck just happened. And then we're gonna find our selves lost. There's too much self-betrayal that by that time we don't know what we really want any more. Worse, we don't know what is it that we really feel.

closure

2005-08-29T14:51:00.000-04:00

i'm overwhelmed. finally after four silent years, certain things have been cleared up. this is all we need after all, closure. we needed to formally let each other go. and now i can finally say that i really have moved on. there are times that i miss him, yes. there are times that i still think about him.. but can i help it if he has become a wonderful part of my life and left me with beautiful memories? but like what i said before, it was all from the past. we belong to each other's past. and i want to thank him for this chance of letting me express all the things i've longed to say. this chance of telling him all the things he deserved to know. He opened my heart and let me know whom it really beats for.

I hope this isn't late for me and *ahem*. hopefully by this time, i have the ability to effectively wash all his insecurities away. there's no more doubts. no more questions. it's him i choose. he's the one. i'm positive enough, i'm not letting him go. i'm not giving up 'til he feels that he's the one i truly love. =]

Mood: Fulfilled

trip to florida

2005-08-09T20:13:00.000-04:00

it's funny that when i finally got the chance to blog again, i feel extremely lazy to write. but then like what said from tmy last entry, i will make kwentos about our trip to Florida. or i'll just pics na lang. hehe. i choose the latter.

yeh, yeh, i'm so tamad. =]

The One at Universal Studios

Roler Coaster Mode @ Island of Adventures

Leaning on my Dream Car, hehe.

Miami Beach

beyond the road trip

2005-08-07T02:00:00.000-04:00

finally back to Jersey. It was a 28-hour ride from Miami to Jersey City. Grabe. I haven't even showered yet.

I must be really good for surviving a week of no internet. hehe. It feels so exciting to check emails and other stuff. And it feels so freaking relaxing to blog again. After opening all my online accounts, I caught myself disappointed and surprised at the same time. No sweet offlines messages, but there goes my unexpected message from someone. Yayy!

I wanna write about a lot of things! The night in the car was more than just some boring portion of time waiting and hoping to get to the intended place as soon as possible. Those were moments of serious contemplations. Moments of soul searching. Moments of reality thinking. Imagination. The past. The future. My purpose. The tele novela of my whole life. Speaking of novela, i would be writing a novel here because I really do have a lot to say, and pictures to post. yipee. But i guess i would need to lop it off and divide it to at least 2-3 entries.

i have to go now. but i'll be back. i will. i shall.